Posts Tagged ‘stay or go’

SUMMER SHORTS: Shall I Stay or Shall I Go?

Summer Shorts is a weekly short-read in honor of the season, to convey ideas about relationships and life in the blink of an eye.

One “aha” during the agonizing “shall I stay or shall I go” chapter of my relationship with Eric was to realize there was no true urgency to decide one way or another, even though I felt inner pressure to make a decision.

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My Husband’s (Brilliant) Relationship Advice

dinner dateEric and I had a dinner date recently. It was one of those perfect weather evenings, we were ushered to the just-right table by the window, and we talked and caught up on everything. I had spent the week in Atlanta with my (fairly new) business coach, and I had lots of stories to share! After the Atlanta stories, and Eric’s “while you were gone report,” the conversation turned to aspects of my business, and the clients I have.

Shall I Stay Or Shall I Go?

As you might imagine, a query that frequently comes up in the business of relationships is  — shall I stay in this relationship or shall I go? Of course I don’t tell my clients what to do in this kind of situation because the decision is in their capable hands.   (Except in the case of safety issues and there is no good reason on Earth to mess with them) One of the ways I coach about this “stay or leave question” is to recommend that no couple has to make an unnatural, forced, “gotta-take-action” decision about it. We don’t have to get all steely and determined, with fists ready and defenses primed and poised.  We don’t have to shout from the rooftops about “all the kings horses and all the kings men.”  We don’t have to justify.  We don’t have to yell a war cry.  We  don’t need to rally the troops (gather agreement from family and friends) and make a righteous exit. In my estimation, being right is a poor substitute for getting what we really want. And on the other side… neither do we have to force-fly our surrender flag, as in “I’ve been thrown out, rejected, dishonored.  Clearly, I’m wrong.”   We quietly pack our things and slink away into the night to try to create another hopefully better life somewhere else.  The final conversations are uncomfortably tense and much is left unresolved emotionally speaking. It doesn’t have to be that way.This Way, That Way I know. But sometimes it is. I know… But we don’t have to force.  Forcing is not a requirement in decision making. If one is being honest and true — transparent and real —  there is no need to hurry a decision, throw down a trump card, or declare anything drastic.  The decision can simply become part of the flow – part of the natural evolution of things.   The situation evolves as two individuals become clearer.  The next step of staying or leaving becomes a natural extension of the couple’s clarity.

Take It Easy

So when someone feels forced about a decision, or can’t seem to make a decision, I usually say that it might not be time to decide. Ideally speaking, a decision should not be hard or agonizing.  It should feel “right.”  In these cases, I tell people to try taking the decision off the table for a while and be easy about it. At one point in the conversation, I asked Eric for direct advice. My question to Eric was, “What advice would you offer, what thoughts do you have about coaching people who are teetering on the edge of leaving a relationship?” I was really curious what he would say. And he thought for a moment, took a bite of his Greek Salad (with really great olives by the way) and then said, “It’s a matter of Benefits vs. BS.” I started laughing. This is such an obvious thing, huh? Just look to see – do the Benefits outweigh the BS!  Are the positive aspects more important than everything else? And for me as a relationship mentor, the not-so-beautiful stuff can often be transformed and transferred to the beneficial side of the equation.  So there’s THAT. The idea that a problem can actually bring you closer is something I work with in almost every session with a couple. Ahhhh.  Now that’s better.   Continue Reading

Intimacy Is Everywhere

Hello Everyone,

Today, intimacy.

Love to you all,

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Friday Love: Bam! Gate Breaking, Anyone?

Good Friday, Everyone!

Today, I’m sharing a story about how I accidentally accomplished something on my bucket list. I ran through an exit gate while looking the other way. The hood of my car is scratched up, and one windshield wiper is a mess, but let’s have a good laugh about how we never expect what “getting what we want” includes!

Let me know if you relate…

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Enough with the Name-Calling

It seems to be a growing fad these days to call someone a narcissist, or declare they are toxic.
Political name-calling is similar—we assign politicians and voters to categories, and brush them off as if they are unintelligent, inferior, or even worthless.
By labeling others, we miss their humanity. We gloss over their struggle, their best effort at dealing with life. We dismiss them.
We do to them what we believe they are doing to others.
Look past a label, and in the soft light of day, there stands a person like you or like me, coping as best they can. At the end of the day, no friend, parent, or lover making conscious choices intends to be mean, or to ignore, or to embellish. There is always more to the story.
If we label others, then for sure we label ourselves. We trap ourselves into believing we are less than. Or not enough. Or we don’t give ourselves the time and forgiveness to work through our “stuff.” Maybe, if we stopped accusing others of narcissism, we could forgive ourselves for those moments when we were narrow-minded, inconsiderate, or afraid.
When it comes to labels, nobody wins.
So, my dear people, I suggest we peer a little deeper into ourselves to investigate a need to separate ourselves from others by tacking them with a label filled with disdain or scorn.
It is my wish that you view this video and take it to heart.
Much love,

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Terri Crosby

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