Why Men Stop Helping — What YOU Said — Part 2 of 3

NY Hotel Man

In Part 1 of this series of 3, I asked a question:

Why would a woman — ever in a million years — point the finger at someone else, and put herself in a position where she essentially claims no power to make a change for the better?

No one answered that question.  (Interesting, huh?)

Readers did have plenty to say about why men stop helping.  I responded in the comments section below the blog.    Some readers wrote me personal emails as well.

Based on what all of you said, let’s explore the subject a little more.

Why Blame?

What’s the use of blaming?  Why do it? Humans are generally not so fond of emotional pain.  We do whatever it takes to get pain away from us. For example, we:
  • Ignore it.
  • Don’t feel it.
  • Don’t look it in the eye.  Don’t examine it.
So blame works perfectly (theoretically speaking) for off-loading pain.  If I point the finger at someone else, won’t I feel better?  That’s the idea. But experience shows us it doesn’t work.  Not really.

Am I Different From These Women…?

I asked myself this question. It’s a fair question. First I thought, “Oh, I’m really different.  Sure I’ve blamed, but not like that.” Then I thought, “But not like that… hmmm… it’s still blame.  Maybe I’m not so different.” Have I done or said what these women are doing or saying? If I had to answer either yes or no (no qualifiers) I would have to answer yes. I’ve blamed my past partners for all sorts of things.  I have thought (even declared and discussed with friends), how wrong he was.  I’ve had the attitude that men are “less than.” However, somewhere along the way, I learned to be a little classier about blame.
  • I can speak rather eloquently and you can hardly pink and white liliestell I’m blaming.  Even if you’re extra perceptive.
  • I can blame and smile at the same time.
  • I have been known to toss a couple dozen lilies into a conversation reeking of blame, hoping no one would notice the ugly stuff.
  • I’ve colored blame all pretty and perfect looking, and called it “helping.”
  • I’ve been known to dress blame in fancy black tie attire, and really — you’d never know it was blame, it looked so good.
Ahhh… but the heart always knows. ‘Cause even with the overlay of a cheery disposition, blame still feels rotten. I just didn’t know what to do about it at the time.  And neither did the women I quoted. (So no real difference between me and them there.) And, no matter how we dress it up, blame is still blame. (No difference there, either.)

The Verdict Is In

So am I any different than these slug-spitting women, all disgusted and disgruntled with their lazy men who don’t care?  Am I different from these women with 10 inch nails for hair who think men are parasites, or stupid or lazy? In some ways, not really.  Not essentially.  Not so much. But it depends on the measuring stick. I may speak differently.  I may spell differently or put a sentence together differently than these women.  And — we’ve all played the blame game. Yes, I have evolved since the days when I blatantly blamed. Yes, I am growing and changing and learning.  I’ve turned (way) more of my attention to appreciation and noticing what works. What a qualitative difference that has made!  I recommend it! But do I EVER blame now?  Yes.  And I notice that these days, my blame is more sophisticated.  It’s prettier and more likely to fly under the radar. It’s harder to detect. It’s sneakier. Trust me, I still have plenty of work to do. And I’m doing it daily.  I’m cleaning up my act.

How Can I Get More Help?

VOA51-CA334The women I quoted in a previous blog are not my clients, nor would my clients say what I read. But even a smart, resourceful, loving woman can have her version of the question “How do I get more help from my husband?” It’s a good question.  A great question even…

Why Do Men Stop Helping? 

Readers, I’m interested in what you think about any aspect of this subject.  I invite you to share what you’ve experienced or what you’ve witnessed. Coming up next week:  I talked to about 20 men I know personally about this question, and ask them to share from their perspective.   It’s good to hear from both sides of the equation. Please feel free to forward this blog to anyone who would enjoy joining this conversation.  Here’s the shortlink.  http://wp.me/psIjl-Pe Thanks in advance for posting your thoughts in Comments below.  Your words won’t appear instantly — to avoid spammers, I will approve your comment. Next Week: Why Men Stop Helping — From The Mouths of Men — Part 3 of 3.

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Terri Crosby

Helping you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. Follow me on twitter at@TerriCrosby or read myblog.

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Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

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Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.

We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.

But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.

As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.

Terri Crosby. http://www.incareofrelationships.com/.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

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Terri Crosby

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