Why Men Stop Helping — From The Mouths of Men — Part 3 of 3

Caribbean Sea near Cuba trimmed

Photo Credit — Lois Henrickson

This is the 3rd article in a series about a sticking point in many relationships — how can women get what they need from the men they live with, work with, and meet? In the first article, I quoted two female writers followed by three readers who commented on one of the female writers.  It was pretty brazen stuff.  I asked a question about blame. In the second article, I reported your comments and gave more information.  I also asked why you think men stop helping in a relationship.  The ladies had a wide range of views on the subject. For answers, I thought, “Who would know better why they stopped helping than the men who actually stopped?” So I asked men.

What Men Say

Copyright Joe Sohm/Visions of America. Posted with permission.

Copyright Joe Sohm. Visions of America.

One man said, “My wife never celebrates the wins with me. There is no pause button on the honey-do list.” Another said, “I can’t do anything right according to her. So it is easier not to get involved.”

Other Men Said:

  • “She micro-manages.”
  • “She’s always looking over my shoulder to see if I’m doing things her way.  Never mind my expertise.  It’s gotta be done the way she thinks it needs to be done or I never hear the end of it.”
  • “I’ve stopped asking for her input about most everything.  I just don’t talk.  I do what I do and that’s it.  Last year, I attempted to do a renovation project with her.  I’ll never do it again.”
  • “She comes behind me and fixes what I’ve done. Why do anything?  I can’t even play with her daughter right.  Why can’t her daughter learn how men play?  We’re pretty good at team sports!  On a Sunday afternoon, we play a game — soccer, basketball, touch football — and sure that’s rougher and tougher than my girlfriend having tea on the veranda.  But nobody gets damaged and if there’s a bump or a scratch, we fix it or brush it off and keep playing.”
  • “What I offer is not ‘good enough’ so I might as well not do it in the first place.  It’s not worth my time or my attention.”
  • “You can either have what you want or tell us how to do it, but not both.”
  • “I can do twenty things right without being asked and when she arrives on the scene, all she notices is the one thing I missed.”
That’s honest feedback. Ladies and Gentlemen, what say you?

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Terri Crosby

Helping you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. Follow me on twitter at@TerriCrosby or read myblog.

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    Gary Jones

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    All of these comments by the men are spot on. For me as a man I gain satisfaction for completing/winning each project or task. Its how we as men are built. A little Atta boy or pat on the back will get you very far. Its the acknowledgement of the effort of a task well done or attempted that means a lot to me.

    Its like when you were a kid and you fell down and got scraped and bruised and your dad helped you up, brushed off the dirt and blood gave you a pat on the back and said…. You can do it. I believe in you. Its powerful. Words of encouragement are powerful.

    Luckily I have found a partner who tells me how grateful she is for the things I do, the work, the chores etc. Am I perfect… Hell no. But the acknowledgement makes me want to run through a brick wall or slay dragons for her. Its the little things, the acknowledging. Sometimes I think women are afraid to give it. As if they give up their power if they acknowledge.

    Ladies……Little bits of encouragement will get you far.

    Gary

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      Terri Crosby

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      Gary, thank you for writing! I appreciate your comments and I’m glad to hear you’ve found a partner you would slay dragons for! I agree that women are sometimes afraid to give acknowledgement, but I don’t think it’s because we’re afraid of giving up power.

      It’s more like we can’t give approval if it’s not perfect every step of the way (the thing, the person, the situation), and nothing’s ever “perfect” according to our inner critic, inner slave-driver with a whip or whatever. Or the chore you did was too small, really, so why bother saying anything — I mean why do that? What’s the big deal? We wouldn’t expect to be thanked for that… we might brush it off as silly, or not important. Or often we feel thankful, but don’t put it into words. We keep it to ourselves.

      I think not giving acknowledgement to someone else is more about how we treat ourselves. Eric has taught me a lot about giving myself more approval. I didn’t really know how to do that until I met him. Seriously, I didn’t. So I thank Eric for that!

      Reply

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    shiner

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    From my experience with anyone it works the same way, appreciation will always get you more of what you appreciate. If you need it done a specific way, be clear and then allow. If you want it done and you do not have some specifics, same song, allow. NO ONE enjoys being micro managed or finishing one task only to be handed 3 more without acknowledgement of the task completed.

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Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.

We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.

But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.

As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.

Terri Crosby. http://www.incareofrelationships.com/.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

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Terri Crosby

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