When THIS Relationship Looks Like A Previous One…

Written by Terri Crosby for In Care of Relationships

Have you noticed?  The beginning of any relationship worth its salt is fun.  There is plenty of discovery, curiosity and looking for what’s positive and “right” about a potential partner. Then, after time passes — and the relationship settles in for the long ride — something strange can happen... the relationship begins to look a lot like (Christmas?) the last one. For instance:
  • Turns out he’s already taken.  Am I a magnet for married guys or what?
  • He refuses to help me around the house.  He’s just like my Ex.
  • He won’t share certain areas of his life with me.  I’m cut off.
  • We don’t talk like we used to.
  • We don’t have enough in common.  I feel alone.
  • What happened to all the good sex?
  • I thought he would participate more in raising my child.  He said he would.
  • I don’t get compliments anymore about how I look.  I miss that.
  • I resent what I’m being asked or expected to do to support my partner.  Here I go again not getting what I want.
  • She/He quit his job.  I’m the breadwinner again.  Just like last time.

We Have Choices

What to do? We can (run screaming from the room) go find a new partner, and start over, hoping for a better outcome. (Hint: I’m personally familiar with this method.  Let me be direct here — it doesn’t work.) Or two, we can take 100% responsibility.  We can say, “Oh, there’s my work.”  We can sit down and take a gander at what’s lurking in the shadows. (Our shadows, not our partner’s shadows.) I recommend the second choice, but I’ll be the first to tell you that I didn’t make that choice until I was at least 50 years old. (Ahem.)
"If you need me, call me ."

“If you need me, call me , no matter where you are, no matter how far…”

So I can save you from chaos and catastrophe if you like! To research these posts, I often ask friends, strangers, family (any willing human, really!) about my blog topics.  This time, I asked my partner Eric, “When you become aware of something you’re doing that doesn’t work, what do you do?”  He thought. I waited. He thought some more. I was really curious what he would say. He said, “Well, I usually leave the situation.  I bow out.  I walk away.  I go do something else to get my mind off what just happened.  I go repair something.  I distract myself.  It helps me not get after myself so much for having done it.” Then he added, “I also apologize as soon as I can. “ And being his partner, I can vouch for him — he does both of these things. First, I have learned that when Eric walks away, it’s a really good thing.  He’s saving me from the Tiger, and the Tiger is him.  It also means he’s deliberately and consciously hitting the reset button.  He’ll be better in a little while, and then he’ll be ready to talk about it. And second, he’s better at apologizing than I am.  And, yes, I have learned from him.  Confession:  apologizing was not in my repertoire when I met him. It’s pretty easy to clean up a mess (or potential mess), if you’re awake and aware. It helps to talk out loud, confess out loud  — call yourself on it — as soon as storm clouds form.  When I’ve said something regretful, or snapped, I say to Eric that I’m aware I just did that. I say things like:
  • “Oh, you know that thing I just said to you?  Never mind that.”
  • “Oops.  That doesn’t work. Let me do that again.”
  • “Oh, don’t pay any attention to that.  I’d like a do-over.”
  • “I need a rewind please.”
  • “Wow, I am really upset.  Let me go calm down and then we can talk about this.”
  • “Don’t go there.”   This is my shortest code for danger, danger Will Robinson!  It means don’t follow me where I’m going, it’s not good and I know it.  Wrong Way! Go back!  I say this when he is starting to defend his point of view or justify what he did.
And Eric is really, really good at leaving my shenanigans alone.  He never, ever picks a fight about “what I just said.” Don’t get in a hurry to fix things while everybody’s upset.  All you have to do is rescue yourselves from a tandem jump into that pit of peril.  Really, that’s it.  Don’t get all therapeudic in the middle of the yuckies unless you can step back twenty-five paces and really observe yourself.  Most people can’t. It’s OK.  You’ll get there.

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For more information about In Care of Relationships, click here.

About Terri Crosby — I live in the Blue Ridge Mountains with Eric, my partner of 15 years, two cats and a dog, and as many flowers and vegetables as I can plant.  I love really good food, good friends, good relationships!

       

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Terri Crosby

Helping you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. Follow me on twitter at@TerriCrosby or read myblog.

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    shiner

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    As usual, I enjoy your style of writing, accessible, candid, helpful and humourous. What more could anyone want from someone who offers her services as a reltionship coach?

    Reply

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Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

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Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.

We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.

But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.

As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.

Terri Crosby. http://www.incareofrelationships.com/.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

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Terri Crosby

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