The Tender Truth About Women Who Act Tough


WHO IS THIS TOUGH WOMAN?
Who is she? Is she happy? Having a good time? Is she feeling alone in a sea of people? Is she really that confident? Does she have real honest-to-goodness friends? And you wonder what this woman is like when the cows come home, when the day is over, when the sun sets, when she puts her head on her pillow. You wonder who she is in her heart of hearts. Well, how do you even start a successful conversation with a woman like that? I mean what do you talk about with that sort of unapproachable person? Her. You talk about her. Of course. So you get brave and come up with a compliment. You thank her for something, you offer kudos about her last performance, her last public appearance, her last brilliant idea, her last extraordinary whatever. She seems to receive the compliment and is gracious, like a queen is gracious, and then it’s over oh so quickly. You think, “Now what in the heck do I say?”
THE TRUTH ABOUT TOUGH WOMEN
For the longest time I thought these women were actually tough. I thought they were thick skinned. They are not. In the last 5 years or so, I have had the privilege of knowing some of these tough women as friends, or have done private consulting work with women that would scare most folks. In sessions, it is my job to walk past the outer protection, the thorny exterior — to see that these women are not who they appear to be. Women who act tough are not tough at all. (Neither are men, by the way, but we’ll get to that subject another time.) Women who are described (or accused) of being tough, cold, aloof or “really together” are that way for a reason.WHY SO MUCH PROTECTION?
Why would someone need so much protection? So much armor? Why would she need a personality shield to keep people away? Well, let me begin with a disclaimer — not all tough women are as I am describing here. I give you that. But I have many hours of experience working with women who seem supremely confident, but who are seeking assistance in the area of intimate relationships. These “tough” women are actually ultra-vulnerable.
WHAT DO I KNOW FOR SURE?
There is one thing I know for sure about tough women. They have hearts as big as the Universe. B-I-G. H-U-G-E. M-A-G-N-I-F-C-E-N-T. H-E-A-R-T-S. And — they have wounds. So they protect themselves with a fail safe firewall. Or ten or twenty. Here’s the deal. Tough and aloof is actually an indication of extra tender. Under that iron-clad exterior is a little girl with a crushed dream. A little girl who came here to planet Earth knowing who she is, but somewhere along the way, she got talked out of it. She is often too much to handle, too loud, too determined, too out of control, too bright, too creative, too something-or-other for her parents or the family in which she was born.A TOUGH WOMAN ALL GROWN UP
So now she is the walking wounded and pretending nothing happened. And mind you, she’s good at pretending, because she’s good at surviving. She is brilliant, but harnessed. She’s got her high beams on low. She is a free spirit in a cage.
WHAT TO DO WITH A TOUGH WOMAN
My advice? Ignore the thorny exterior. It’s not there for you, it’s for her. Ignore the steely whatevers. Smile at her. Be warm. Pay no attention to the mask. Walk right on by. Love her no matter what she does or how she appears or what she says. Stand in your love and reach out to her. You might invite her to do something with you. If she says no, invite her a few more times. Be soft about it. When all else fails, talk with your eyes. There is no woman on Earth who can’t see another woman communicating love through the eyes. Love her. That’s all. The bonus? It’s good practice for you. It’s good practice to ignore the unimportant and pay attention to what’s important, which in this case is love. It’s a lesson in focus to walk around the barricades with grace and ease. You don’t have to lift them out of the way or try to destroy them. Just walk around them. And who knows — the two of you, yes the two of you — you might both decide to throw off the harnesses, unlock the cage doors, and shine! And if the truth be told, we all have a little bit of the tough woman on the outside, tender girl on the inside, so the thing to do is wake up in the middle of being either one. If we wake up, we are aware. And when we are aware, we can make changes if we so desire. And that is a very powerful thing.
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Comments and thoughts welcome — scroll down to the comment boxes. I will approve your comment and you’ll see it posted a little later. The approval process is an interim step which helps to avoid spam. In Care of Relationships with Terri Crosby– Tools For Creating Positive Momentum. http://incareofrelationships.com. Terri is a relationship mentor. She helps create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. If you are ready to take your relationship to the next level, you can sign up to be on the mailing list HERE. To subscribe to her blog, hit the subscribe button on this page and add your email address.Tags: In Care of Relationships, problems, relationship, relationships, Terri Crosby, tough women
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Jeanne Myers
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You have a really nice way of writing well and making it seem as if we are talking.
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Terri Crosby
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I love that you say that my writing feels like we’re talking to each other. It’s exactly what I hoped for, that it feels natural. So glad! And thank you for the feedback.
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Elle
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Thanks, Terri, you obviously understand our iron clad, oh-so-feel-everything Heart…and getting through.
Love to you…
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Terri Crosby
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Yes, tough isn’t so tough after all…
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Devaya
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Thank you, Terri. What you are writing these days is awareness-provoking and a true pleasure to read.
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Terri Crosby
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Thank you so much! That means a lot!
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Rhonda
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You helped me understand my boss. You made my life a little easier. These were the insights I needed. Thank you so much.
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dreamerrambling
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My goodness. That pierced right into my heart. You held a mirror up to my face; you are very talented and perceptive. Recently my tough exterior crumbled, and I’ve withdrawn completely from people. Sometimes I wish I could have a smaller heart, and a harder exoskeleton.
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Terri Crosby
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Thank you for sharing. Congratulations on your tough exterior crumbling. It’s OK. It’s good. I’m inviting you back out to the swings and the merry-go-round. Don’t spend too long in the snow fort. It’s gonna melt soon anyway, ’cause Spring is here. Bless you on your journey. If I can help in any way, let me know.
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dreamerrambling
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My goodness. That pierced straight into my heart. You are very talented and perceptive. Recently my tough exterior has crumbled away, revealing my softness, so I’ve had to withdraw from people entirely. Sometimes I wish I had a smaller heart and a harder exoskeleton. Thank you for this.
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Jayson Brown
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You NAILED IT! I came to this site because I am dealing with a tough woman— my wife— and wanted some means of resolution. Accept for the description of what career field she may be in everything was spot on. My wife does all of the things you said “tough” women do to protect scars and it makes more since now, especially seeing as she is a former abused spouse from her previous marriage. Job well done.
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Terri Crosby
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Thank you so much for writing and I’m so glad the information helped.
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