The Cost of Being Right No Matter What

Sunflower -- with text

Written by Terri Crosby for In Care of Relationships

There is no faster learning curve than being in a partnership.  Being in a relationship (of any kind) is a sunflower-shining-brilliant sort of way to learn everything you ever wanted to learn about getting along with others — and about yourself. And here’s the thing.  In every earthly endeavor, we’ve got the power and energy of the sun right behind us, even when it’s cloudy.  We’ve got the brilliance of the whole world, of those who came before us, of those who are here now, of those standing right in front of us, lighting our way.  Assistance and bright ideas are everywhere. And here’s another thing.  Nothing will darken a relationship faster than blocking who we really are, or the light (assistance) that’s available.  There is nothing more expensive in a relationship than using energy in a way that works against us. And we can work against ourselves.  I’ve done it myself, and I’ve seen others do it — plenty! We work against ourselves and our brilliance by placing responsibility for the workability of a relationship outside ourselves.

HERE ARE EXAMPLES

  • I’m right you’re wrong, and wrong is not OK.  So you should change.  If you’d change, things would improve.
  • You must change in order for me to be happy.  If you were different, I’d be in a better mood.
  • You cause my misery.  The proof?  When I’m around you, I am miserable.  Around you, I have trouble being the person I would like to be.  So fix yourself, and then I can feel better.
  • You cause me to be upset.  Therefore, you (obviously) need to change what you do, or say, or how you are.  And then I can be who I really am.  Go ahead, I’m waiting…
  • I am afraid of you.  It’s your fault.
  • You think I am “the problem?!?”   Well, I think you’re the problem for calling me the problem.  So there.  How-do-ya-like-them-apples?
  • I know better than you what’s good for you, what works for you, or what you should do to make you/us better.  Let’s do everything my way, and then we’ll get along.  See how easy that would be?

IT’S ONLY YOU

Well, folks.  Here’s the good news and the good news.  You’re the CEO of your relationship. So you’re the CEO, and you’re saying you can’t save the company because you’re not an inspiring leader and the other people won’t cooperate?  Other people don’t understand you?  The other people are the problem, not you?  Even though you’re in charge? How lame is that?  It doesn’t work in business, and guess what?  It doesn’t work at home, either. There is no easier way to keep a relationship at an unhappy standstill than by declaring ourselves powerless  to create change and evolution.   We do this by handing the the keys to our personal kingdom/queendom to someone else.  We give away our power and then blame others for bad results.  We play small. Want to do something else instead?

TAKE THE WHEELButterfly on orange flower

How do you remember where you hid the keys to your personal power?  How do you reclaim your ability to influence an outcome or create a positive result?
  • Notice when you think the other person should change.  Just notice it.  You don’t have to fix it right away.  Just say, “Oh, I see that I think s/he should change.”  At the beginning, leave it at that.
  • Next, notice when you’re resisting your partner.  Feel it in your body.  You’re the one paying for that resistance in the form of your personal well-being and your health.  For your sake, consider letting go in that moment.  If you let go, your cells will be more able to absorb nutrients, your mental outlook could improve, your heart could beat more easily.  Just  let go and listen.  Let go and consider what’s being said as if you’ve never met that person.  Let go and ask a question instead of defending yourself.  Just give it a whirl.  Do less, say less.  Listen more.
  • Notice when you’ve laid down the reins of your relationship, meaning “I think I’ve got no control here.”  If you picked up the reins again, what would that possibly look like, sound like, feel like, be like?
  • Notice when you feel icky.  Or up tight. Or “off.”  Or angry or frustrated.  What’s going on?  Where did your ability to make a difference go?  Is it floating down the river without you?  What would it take to catch up to it?  It’s probably simpler than you think.
I’ll talk soon about more tips for improving your relationship.  This is a big subject, and sometimes, a little dab’ll do ya. Every positive change begins with awareness.

******************

new shoots 2About Terri Crosby — I live in the Blue Ridge Mountains with Eric, my partner of 14 years, two cats and a dog, and as many flowers and vegetables as I can plant.

I’m in favor of wandering time in the morning, listening to the birds calling to each other in the woods all around me.

Making fresh food is one of life’s big yummy pleasures, along with singing – especially creating heavenly, improvisational, prayerful, meditational sound.

It is my experience that children are born to teach (remind) parents, not the other way around.   I’ve learned more from my daughter than from all other humans combined.

I believe that poet Mary Oliver writes the best bedtime stories available on Earth.

For more information about In Care of Relationships, click here.

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Terri Crosby

Helping you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. Follow me on twitter at@TerriCrosby or read myblog.

Comments (0)

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    shiner

    |

    Great analogies- the CEO, and take the wheell, how do you remember where you hid the keys… This is a topic that is so important to the health of any relationship and your writing allows us to laugh and learn.

    Reply

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    Bo Troester

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    I love reading what you write…Mary Oliver too……keep on writing…Much love and blessings *** Bo Troester

    Reply

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      Terri Crosby

      |

      How wonderful to hear from you! I appreciate what you said.

      Reply

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Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.

We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.

But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.

As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.

Terri Crosby. http://www.incareofrelationships.com/.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

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Terri Crosby

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