The Cost of Being Right No Matter What
HERE ARE EXAMPLES
- I’m right you’re wrong, and wrong is not OK. So you should change. If you’d change, things would improve.
- You must change in order for me to be happy. If you were different, I’d be in a better mood.
- You cause my misery. The proof? When I’m around you, I am miserable. Around you, I have trouble being the person I would like to be. So fix yourself, and then I can feel better.
- You cause me to be upset. Therefore, you (obviously) need to change what you do, or say, or how you are. And then I can be who I really am. Go ahead, I’m waiting…
- I am afraid of you. It’s your fault.
- You think I am “the problem?!?” Well, I think you’re the problem for calling me the problem. So there. How-do-ya-like-them-apples?
- I know better than you what’s good for you, what works for you, or what you should do to make you/us better. Let’s do everything my way, and then we’ll get along. See how easy that would be?
IT’S ONLY YOUWell, folks. Here’s the good news and the
- Notice when you think the other person should change. Just notice it. You don’t have to fix it right away. Just say, “Oh, I see that I think s/he should change.” At the beginning, leave it at that.
- Next, notice when you’re resisting your partner. Feel it in your body. You’re the one paying for that resistance in the form of your personal well-being and your health. For your sake, consider letting go in that moment. If you let go, your cells will be more able to absorb nutrients, your mental outlook could improve, your heart could beat more easily. Just let go and listen. Let go and consider what’s being said as if you’ve never met that person. Let go and ask a question instead of defending yourself. Just give it a whirl. Do less, say less. Listen more.
- Notice when you’ve laid down the reins of your relationship, meaning “I think I’ve got no control here.” If you picked up the reins again, what would that possibly look like, sound like, feel like, be like?
- Notice when you feel icky. Or up tight. Or “off.” Or angry or frustrated. What’s going on? Where did your ability to make a difference go? Is it floating down the river without you? What would it take to catch up to it? It’s probably simpler than you think.
I’m in favor of wandering time in the morning, listening to the birds calling to each other in the woods all around me.
Making fresh food is one of life’s big yummy pleasures, along with singing – especially creating heavenly, improvisational, prayerful, meditational sound.
It is my experience that children are born to teach (remind) parents, not the other way around. I’ve learned more from my daughter than from all other humans combined.
I believe that poet Mary Oliver writes the best bedtime stories available on Earth.
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