The Beauty of Blame — What It Reveals And 5 Ways To Take Advantage

Photo credit -- Lyte Henrickson

Photo credit — Lyte Henrickson

Written for IN CARE OF RELATIONSHIPS by Terri Crosby

Last week, I posted a short video blog (1 min. 51 sec) about blame.  Is Blame A Part of the Process?  

(Go ahead and watch that if possible.  It will open in a new window and you can come right back to this article.)

Noticing that we’re in a state of blame is so helpful.

It’s like an instant thermometer — blame tells you right where you are.

So illuminating!

And as emotional states go, blame’s not too terribly awful actually.  :–)

According to Abraham Hicks, one of the world’s leading vibrational experts, it’s way higher than depression or powerlessness, for instance. 

 

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Blame is also higher than fear, grief and despair. 

And still higher than insecurity, guilt or unworthiness.

And blame is higher than this lovely bunch of coconuts: jealousy, hatred/rage, revenge anger and even discouragement.

So in the grand scheme of things, blame is higher, vibrationally speaking, than a number of other not-so-hot-either-emotions.  

Blaming another doesn’t exactly mean you’re sittin’ pretty, but it does mean you’re in a potential filled place because you’re coming up the emotional ladder.

Good to know.

What Else Is Hopeful About Blame?

Blame has active energy to it.  It’s not a passive, at the pool, sippin’ somethin’ strong under an umbrella to forget your day kind of emotion.  It most certainly hasn’t given up.

I like that about blame.  It’s got a little spunk.  It can mean you’re rising up to learn something new about relating to others.

And another thing — if you’re a person who tends to to be overly responsible or think everything is your fault, (if you were a better person, that mistake or mishap would never have happened) then blaming someone else for a change could slingshot you right out of your self-flogging rut. 

So good for you!  Blame away!

How Blame Can Raise You Up

This is important.

What will transform your experience of being in the blame state is not being IN it, but rather noticing that you’re blaming.  In other words, you’re outside the blame enough to see that you’re doing it. 

This is a terrific place to be.  It’s a powerful place to be.

Because awareness is everything.  From this place you can rise up out of it and shift your future. 

So here are some statements that might help you head in that direction.

Photo credit -- Joseph Sohm

Photo credit — Joseph Sohm

  • Hmmm.  I can feel that I’m blaming.
  • Wow!  I’m thinking it’s her/his fault.  Good for me for seeing what I’m doing.
  • This feels bad.  Oh,  no wonder.  I’m blaming.
  • I notice I really think this (person, situation, world) should change and then I’d feel better.  Wait.  Maybe I can find a way to lighten up or feel better, and then who knows what will change.

 Abraham says, “Even in your rightness about a subject, when you try to push your rightness toward another who disagrees, no matter how right you are, it causes more pushing against.  In other words, it isn’t until you stop pushing that any real allowing of what you want can take place.” 

So once I realize I’m pushing against someone else, I can do something that will actually help me, which is to deliberately do whatever it takes to back off.  It can be a tall order in certain situations, but it’s worth it.

When we push against, we become a puppet, where the other person or situation holds the strings.  We are run by what the other person is doing or not doing.  We are “at the effect of.” 

We have lost our freedom.

So… How Exactly Do I Feel Better? 

How does one reduce the resistance quotient?  Here are some ways.

  1. Have a good yell about it.  But here’s the key.  Tell the person you’re venting to that you’re just letting off steam to get your power back.  The key is to vent consciously without pointing it at someone or getting it all over someone.  (It can still be intense, so you may have to remind your partner you’re just venting.) The thing is, this kind of yelling never killed anyone and more often than not, it can be quite freeing whether you’re the yeller or the yell-ee.  Finally someone is letting loose of what people have been thinking all along.  Others (and you, too) will eventually get over the fact that you yelled.  I figure it’s good news that nobody dies, and there’s a possibility of a lumbering ship full of history righting itself, and the seas calming.  Ohmmmmm……
  2. Get funny about it.  When you’re all serious and blamey, and you see it but you can’t shake it, get the assistance of a trusted and light-hearted friend who will egg you on.  Ask this friend to help you elaborate and dramatize and emphasize.  In other words, inflate the facts and go over board — blame more, not less.  Make it worse.  Tell a bigger story — heck make it hugely inaccurate!  And ask your friend to laugh with you about it.  Their whole job is to giggle and not take what you say seriously.  Get physical about it.  Give a pompous speech full of big, sweeping gestures.  Do a big blame dance.  Sing a song of blame.  Revel fully in the delectable delight of blame.  When it gets funny enough, you’ll both fall on the floor, practically unable to breathe from laughing.  At this point, the letting go part is pretty much done!  Liberation is imminent.
  3. Cheer for what you want to happen.  Be a positive-polly-anna-cheerleader and blissfully ignore the obvious.  Be deliberately oblivious.  Promote the story of how things will go since you just found your magic wand — and hey, your wand works!
  4. Give it time.  Ignore it for a while.  Put your attention on other things that are working and which give you satisfaction.  This is good for situations that are not in your face at the moment, and you can exercise the luxury of ignoring them.  Focusing on the positive can help you re-center.  When you’re ready to re-address the other situation, you’ve got your feet under you.  You’re more grounded.
  5. Leave it.  Walk away.  Let it go.  This can sometimes be the best thing to do whether it’s a project, a sale, or a goal.  Or maybe it’s as small as a cafe job or as big as a big-deal relationship.  If your restaurant manager is in a bad mood with everyone pretty much all the time (nothing’s ever good enough for her, and she’s lookin’ over everybody’s shoulder to find things to correct) you’re probably not going to change her pattern any time soon.  So maybe just leave?  Or if your husband’s anger and defensiveness is threatening your personal safety or the safety of your children, just get the heck out.  Go.  Pack your bags, get in your car (or have someone pick you up) and go to safety.  There’s no thinking to be done there — take care of yourself.  Or if you’ve given your relationship every chance to work, and it’s just not working, start over.  Give yourself a clean slate.  Nothing wrong with that.

And By The Way, Where Are We Heading?

When we say we’re heading up the emotional scale, from blame up the scale to happier times, what does that mean? 

The poet e e cummings has a beautiful answer.

love is a place

and through this place of

love move

(with brightness of peace)

all placesTrailing Nasturtiums cropped

 

yes is a world

& in this world of

yes live

(skilfully curled)

all worlds

 

 

 

 

 

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Terri Crosby

Helping you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. Follow me on twitter at@TerriCrosby or read myblog.

Comments (4)

  • Avatar

    Susan Lovejoy

    |

    Great stuff..as always ♡♡♡

    Reply

  • Avatar

    shiner

    |

    OH how fun that the ee cummings poem is the one we read yesterday while making tea!

    Reply

    • Avatar

      Terri Crosby

      |

      Isn’t that amazing? Such a fun coincidence… :–)
      Terri

      Reply

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Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.

We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.

But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.

As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.

Terri Crosby. http://www.incareofrelationships.com/.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

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Terri Crosby

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