Today I’m sharing three truths about relating to others and we’re starting with the hunkiest one.
Here we go.
Truth One. Being in a relationship doesn’t cause. It reveals.
You might want to read this first hunky truth several times.
Being in a relationship doesn’t cause trouble or cause happiness. Instead, a relationship reveals us.
A relationship shows how we relate to ourselves. How we feel about who we are. How we take care of ourselves. What we know and don’t. What we understand. What we believe.
And therefore, it reveals the ingredients we naturally add to the dish called “us.”
If your intimate relationship was a cake made daily, the batter would bake according to the recipe you choose. How is the aroma today? How does it taste? Is the texture of your connection light and fluffy, or dense and heavy? How does that work for you? Does it need frosting?
If your association with someone could be compared to a Savory Squash Tart which is lovely in appearance but tastes meh, so-so, and it’s a little dry — there you go. That’s valuable information. What will you do with that realization?
If your marriage is delicious Coconut Red Curry, and today’s batch could use more depth of flavor, what will you add?
The way your relationship expresses itself demonstrates what it’s made of. You can observe a relationship and list the ingredients.
By the way, if you find yourself thinking about a past “relationship disaster” and wondering what that means about you, remember there are honest-to-goodness authentic, positive aspects to every situation. This is a longer story for another time, so for now, we’ll stick with the simple version.
You’re personally in charge of ingredients. A relationship reveals you.
Truth Two. A relationship with another works the way you (personally) work.
The gears of your relationship with yourself turn the wheels of every other relationship you have. Your partnerships, connections, and friendships with others are built and maintained the way you treat yourself and take care of yourself.
They would have to be. It’s what you know.
Let’s call you a vehicle. Your accelerator pedal, anti-lock braking system, headlights, and cruise control system express you perfectly. Of course they do! The adjustable suspension matches you. Your anti-theft system, aerodynamic drag, antenna — all are uniquely yours.
Every feature of your vehicle — your fuel pump, the quality of tires that carry you, the range of steering available to you — all of it is congruent with who you’ve become.
How you personally travel determines the smoothness of your other relationships. How you take care of yourself paves the way to how you maintain your relationships with others.
Truth Three. You accept another human to the degree you accept yourself.
Your ability to love someone, to bring that person fully into your heart, to welcome all of who they are — shortcomings, kinks, blind spots and all — is an out-picturing of how you’ve practiced the art of love and acceptance with yourself.
Your heart grows with your partner or friend as much as it grows in you, with you, for you.
Certain fundamental truths about relationships (including these three) are often not deeply, fully understood on a practical, day-to-day level.
For instance, clients don’t typically ask for help in receiving their partner. Clients don’t approach me for sessions saying, “Please teach me to love, understand and accept my partner just the way s/he is.”
Instead, they tell me what’s difficult about their partner and ask how to change them. If they bring their partner to sessions, they (secretly) hope I’ll help with partner repairs.
It’s natural, it’s human to say please fix the issue over there in that other person so I can feel better. I get it.
However, molding others to suit our needs isn’t a sustainable practice. Sooner or later others resent us for tinkering with them. Some leave.
“Please fix my partner so I can be happy” may be where a consulting session begins, but soon we take a different path.
We go to the heart of you, where the power to change is idling. Resting. Living well.
We go to the part of you waiting for an invitation.Continue Reading