Posts Tagged ‘observer’

How To Talk Yourself Down Off A Cliff

Italy Landscape 3

When I was 25 years old, I never stopped to consider how emotions affected my health.  Neither did I consider how they affected the flow of my life, my everyday results, my present, or my future.   It never crossed my mind that working against something or someone actually worked against me and the positive result I wanted.  I simply didn’t know.  Most of us don’t.

Humans go sideways about things.  We get upset.  Maybe we blow sky sky high.   We explode, and say things in the heat of the moment.  Maybe we burn a bridge or two or ten.  But then what? 

In another blog, I wrote about how learning to be an Observer of Yourself is an advantage because it puts you outside your reaction.  Creating a little distance between what you do and who you are creates a powerful perspective from which to say, “I can learn a different way.”  

After you’ve practiced Observing, you’ve noticed your feelings and what’s going on in your body, you can begin to talk yourself down off the cliff much easier.  You can soften where you stand.   You can relax a little.  In all my years of working with people, learning to soften an opinion, a feeling, or a perspective is one of the most useful skills on the planet.   Truly!   Most of us are hard on ourselves, and learning how to put a pile of feathers around self-judgment, for instance, is good for anyone’s heart.

So, first we Observe.  We notice what happened, and we note our reaction.  What comes next? 

One word:  INTERRUPT!  Here are two simple ways:

Distract yourself.  You don’t have to fix the negative thought or figure out how to think differently.  Just interrupt the thought any way you can.  Change it up.  If you’re in a conversation that’s not going well, or you’ve hit a wall — just stop!  Really!  Tell that person you’d like time to think and you’ll give them a call tomorrow.  Excuse yourself and go do something else. 

If you’re thinking (maybe obsessively) about a conversation from yesterday or a few minutes ago that didn’t go well (what the person said, what you said, what you could have said, what s/he might have said back) do something — anything — that gets you out of your head.  Doing something physical works well.  Play tennis.  Shoot baskets.  Sing.  Play your guitar. Do jumping jacks.  Anything that breaks the loop.  

When I was turning around my relationship with Eric, I did exactly what I’m speaking about here.  He’s a good guy, a wonderful man, and he’s kind to me and others.  There’s nothing wrong with Eric, but I would find reasons to be irritated with him and get myself in a negative loop.  As I learned a better way, the negative thought became my friend, because it was a reminder that I was off track and I could change my course, if I cared.  And I did care. 

In that moment of criticizing him, I did anything that interrupted the pattern.  Sometimes I’d make a simple statement silently to myself like “Oh, I see.  I’m criticizing.”  Or “Wow, this feels bad.”  I’d also get up and “shake it off” or do a three second dance, and go get a drink of water. 

Soothe yourself.   Catch yourself thinking a negative thought, and interrupt it with a thought that is kinder, more generous or more general than what you just thought. 

“I’ll figure this out a little later today.  I don’t have to deal with this right now.”

“Things always improve, and I know I’ll find my way.”

“Maybe there’s another point of view that’s easier.  I trust I can find that.”

“I wonder how I could feel more relaxed about this?”

 It may sound strange to say, but negative thoughts can be a positive thing, because they help us clarify.  When I experienced an attitude that I didn’t want, it became very clear what I did want.  If I was thinking unkindly about Eric, I’d noticed I’d actually prefer to be kind.  I mean, who wouldn’t prefer to be kind if that was possible?  Or easy? 

Instead of justifying my attitude, the negative emotion became a supportive signal that I had a choice.  I’d say silently to myself, “Oh, I’m doing that thing I usually do.  I have a choice here.”

Paying attention to the connection between what we think and how we feel is one of the smartest practices for anyone who wants to improve their intimate relationship.

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Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

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Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

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Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.

We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.

But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.

As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.

Terri Crosby. http://www.incareofrelationships.com/.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

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Terri Crosby

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