Posts Tagged ‘getting along’

Oh Lordy! Relationship Maintenance. Sounds Terrible.

crossroads There’s a saying here in the south that I really, really love.  It’s a multi-purpose phrase — so useful, so expressive.  You can hang anything on it.  Truly anything.  What it means depends entirely on your tone, inflection and attitude.

Oh Lordy!

“Oh Lordy” applies to practically anything under the sun.  You can communicate joy, as in delicious food  — “Oh Lordy, that’s tasty….” Or frustration and overwhelm, as in your busy schedule — “Oh Lordy, can’t add another thing to my week!” Or disapproval, as in fashion commentary —“Oh Lordy, would ya look at THAT!?!” Oh Lordy applies to relationships in so many waysIt applies to the really fun aspects of being together. And to the more un-shiny, un-bling sorts of things about a relationship. Like, you know — maintenance.  Sidework. Behind the scenes, no applause kind of work.  All that wind beneath your relationship wings stuff.  Upkeep. Maintenance is the category of actions you do over and over to keep things running smoothly and in good repair. It’s this idea that if you take care of something along the way as you go, over the years  (like your health, for instance) you won’t have to do so much damage control later on.

Damage Control

Lately I seem to be talking with women who are doing a lot of damage control late in life regarding their intimate relationship. These women have lived with their husbands for somewhere between ten and thirty years now, and suddenly, for some reason, they have thrown up their hands and said, “Enough already.” Enough of what? 
  • Not getting along.
  • Not understanding each other.
  • Feeling bad about the way they relate to their partner on “hot topics.”  These are the topics they never get through without frustration, argument, or tension.  It is the feeling that after all this time, things have not truly improved and needs are not being met.
  • Not relating in an intimate way.  Not touching, hugging, being close, kissing, holding hands.holdingPinkieFinger  Brother and sister relationship.
  • Not having enough fun.  Not enjoying each other.  Not laughing like they used to.  Not laughing like kids.
  • Hating (pretty strong word, I know) or feeling resentful, pissed off, or angry too often, even about things that don’t really, really matter.  Being impatient and short tempered with each other.
  • “I’m over it.” Being calloused.  Knowing what your partner is going to say before it comes out of his/her mouth.  Predictability.  Same old same old.
  • Too much separation.  Not going on dates, eating together, or going on vacation together.  Having separate adventures.   Ships passing in the night.
  • Knowing a lot, living life, have done many trainings and seminars, well educated, well informed, spiritual, and knowing that we are love at the core deep down where everything matters.  But feeling a lot of the opposite, especially feeling un-spiritual, unloving, judgmental, hard on oneself and others.
When I arrived in the south a few years ago, and I began to hear “Oh Lordy” this and that and the other thing, it made me smile every time.  Heaven only knows we need to lighten up a little more often about anything that’s not working. So in that spirit, here are some (hopefully) encouraging thoughts…

Oh Lordy! We Can Do This!

  1. Wherever you are about things in your intimate relationship, whatever your age or length of relationship, know that taking action to help yourselves out of a rut is not too little too late, or doesn’t have to be.  I know this for sure.  It is possible to turn anything around, if that’s what you want.  I can walk you through this.  I’ve done it myself.
  2. “The problem” is  not so much about the relationship (your partnership) as it is about you.  Your relationship with you.  Your relationship with who you are.  Your relationship with who you have become.  It’s not about your partner.  This is a big one.  I am the poster child for “it’s not about him.”
  3. The secret to a happy life is that you’re always right, so what do you want to be right about?  You could also say that the secret to a happy life is to give up all the opinions that make you old and crabby and no fun to be around.  Easier said than done for sure, but what have you got to lose?  What you’ve got to lose is everything you never wanted in the first place.

*****

Comments and thoughts welcome — scroll down to the comment boxes.  I will approve your comment and you’ll see it posted a little later.  The approval process is an interim step which helps to avoid spam. In Care of Relationships with Terri Crosby– Tools For Creating Positive Momentum.  http://incareofrelationships.com.  Terri is a relationship mentor.  She helps create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love.  If you are ready to take your relationship to the next level, you can sign up to be on the mailing list HERE.  To subscribe to her blog, hit the subscribe button on this page and add your email address.   Continue Reading

Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

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Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

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Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.

We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.

But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.

As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.

Terri Crosby. http://www.incareofrelationships.com/.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

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