Written for In Care of Relationships by Terri Crosby
Personal problems are never really all that complicated.
Because one great big hunka-chunka problem is really a multi-faceted expression of one belief or operating premise. It’s actually very simple.
In a recent short Video Blog called “Are Relationships Complicated?” I explore this principle of simplification, and how one issue might be expressing itself in several places in our day to day living. I spoke about the efficiency of taking care of one issue, and Voila! Suddenly other versions clear up as well.
The trick is to find the chunky pieces that govern the current details of your life. (Yep, that’s my specialty.) Together we find one issue affecting many other situations. And then another, and so on.
Here’s An Example
Recently, I was helping a client who was preventing herself from making some important and needed changes. She wanted to find a new place to live, but every time she thought about moving, she was instantly overwhelmed. She would worry about the details — how to move everything, who would help her, what would the new costs be, and of course, where in the world would she go?
It was a mental scramble.
It stressed her out.
So I helped her take her attention off the details of where to go and how (for now), and let that part evolve while she put her full attention in another more helpful place.
I asked her to tell me the essence of what she was looking for in her new location.
She said she wanted to feel happy and stable — especially stable. She said she wanted to enjoy her day-to-day existence. Where she lived or what she lived in didn’t matter so much — she could be happy in a lot of different environments, or housing options, such as a cabin, a mansion, a tropical hut, or a house.
But it needed to feel stable.
Second, I asked her to start noticing how that essence of stability was showing up in her life life in other areas.
She thought about it for a moment.
She answered slowly and thoughtfully. She felt stable in her job, and she liked that. She went on to say she felt stable in her car, in her relationships with friends. She felt stable confidence participating in certain sports, or when she walked, climbed, or ran. She continued to list quite a few other places she felt stable, no matter how small they were.
I told her that this would help attune her to the feeling of stability in housing as well, and that something that matched her consistent feeling of stability would come to her.
That’s how it works!
The third step is to start enjoying the results of your focus on the essence of what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for more fun in your relationship, find fun in other places during your day — at the supermarket, you notice a mother and son interacting and laughing. You go for a bike ride and notice a new puppy and his owner goofing around, playing and loving it. At the stoplight, you catch the eye of another driver so you can change lanes in front of him. The loud and wonderful music on his radio ushers you on your way as he smiles and gestures for you to go for it.
This noticing increases the momentum towards where you want to go.
In the example with my client, her results began to roll in. She moved across many states, got a business loan and started an online business. She also went back to work on her advanced degree which she had always wanted to do, and was able to hire movers to pack and move her belongings. She started a brand new life.
To improve anything more quickly, get better at separating what you want from how it will happen.
Go forth good readers, and focus on the essence of what you’re seeking! Notice aspects of it everywhere, and then watch what shows up on your new horizons!