(Go ahead and watch that if possible. It will open in a new window and you can come right back to this article.)
Noticing that we’re in a state of blame is so helpful.
It’s like an instant thermometer — blame tells you right where you are.
And as emotional states go, blame’s not too terribly awful actually. :–)
According to Abraham Hicks, one of the world’s leading vibrational experts, it’s way higher than depression or powerlessness, for instance.
Blame is also higher than fear, grief and despair.
And still higher than insecurity, guilt or unworthiness.
And blame is higher than this lovely bunch of coconuts: jealousy, hatred/rage, revenge anger and even discouragement.
So in the grand scheme of things, blame is higher, vibrationally speaking, than a number of other not-so-hot-either-emotions.
Blaming another doesn’t exactly mean you’re sittin’ pretty, but it does mean you’re in a potential filled place because you’re coming up the emotional ladder.
Good to know.
What Else Is Hopeful About Blame?
Blame has active energy to it. It’s not a passive, at the pool, sippin’ somethin’ strong under an umbrella to forget your day kind of emotion. It most certainly hasn’t given up.
I like that about blame. It’s got a little spunk. It can mean you’re rising up to learn something new about relating to others.
And another thing — if you’re a person who tends to to be overly responsible or think everything is your fault, (if you were a better person, that mistake or mishap would never have happened) then blaming someone else for a change could slingshot you right out of your self-flogging rut.
So good for you! Blame away!
How Blame Can Raise You Up
This is important.
What will transform your experience of being in the blame state is not being IN it, but rather noticing that you’re blaming. In other words, you’re outside the blame enough to see that you’re doing it.
This is a terrific place to be. It’s a powerful place to be.
Because awareness is everything. From this place you can rise up out of it and shift your future.
So here are some statements that might help you head in that direction.
Photo credit — Joseph Sohm
Hmmm. I can feel that I’m blaming.
Wow! I’m thinking it’s her/his fault. Good for me for seeing what I’m doing.
This feels bad. Oh, no wonder. I’m blaming.
I notice I really think this (person, situation, world) should change and then I’d feel better. Wait. Maybe I can find a way to lighten up or feel better, and then who knows what will change.
Abraham says, “Even in your rightness about a subject, when you try to push your rightness toward another who disagrees, no matter how right you are, it causes more pushing against. In other words, it isn’t until you stop pushing that any real allowing of what you want can take place.”
So once I realize I’m pushing against someone else, I can do something that will actually help me, which is to deliberately do whatever it takes to back off. It can be a tall order in certain situations, but it’s worth it.
When we push against, we become a puppet, where the other person or situation holds the strings. We are run by what the other person is doing or not doing. We are “at the effect of.”
We have lost our freedom.
So… How Exactly Do I Feel Better?
How does one reduce the resistance quotient? Here are some ways.
Have a good yell about it.But here’s the key. Tell the person you’re venting to that you’re just letting off steam to get your power back. The key is to vent consciously without pointing it at someone or getting it all over someone. (It can still be intense, so you may have to remind your partner you’re just venting.) The thing is, this kind of yelling never killed anyone and more often than not, it can be quite freeing whether you’re the yeller or the yell-ee. Finally someone is letting loose of what people have been thinking all along. Others (and you, too) will eventually get over the fact that you yelled. I figure it’s good news that nobody dies, and there’s a possibility of a lumbering ship full of history righting itself, and the seas calming. Ohmmmmm……
Get funny about it.When you’re all serious and blamey, and you see it but you can’t shake it, get the assistance of a trusted and light-hearted friend who will egg you on. Ask this friend to help you elaborate and dramatize and emphasize. In other words, inflate the facts and go over board — blame more, not less. Make it worse. Tell a bigger story — heck make it hugely inaccurate! And ask your friend to laugh with you about it. Their whole job is to giggle and not take what you say seriously. Get physical about it. Give a pompous speech full of big, sweeping gestures. Do a big blame dance. Sing a song of blame. Revel fully in the delectable delight of blame. When it gets funny enough, you’ll both fall on the floor, practically unable to breathe from laughing. At this point, the letting go part is pretty much done! Liberation is imminent.
Cheer for what you want to happen. Be a positive-polly-anna-cheerleader and blissfully ignore the obvious. Be deliberately oblivious. Promote the story of how things will go since you just found your magic wand — and hey, your wand works!
Give it time. Ignore it for a while.Put your attention on other things that are working and which give you satisfaction. This is good for situations that are not in your face at the moment, and you can exercise the luxury of ignoring them. Focusing on the positive can help you re-center. When you’re ready to re-address the other situation, you’ve got your feet under you. You’re more grounded.
Leave it. Walk away. Let it go.This can sometimes be the best thing to do whether it’s a project, a sale, or a goal. Or maybe it’s as small as a cafe job or as big as a big-deal relationship. If your restaurant manager is in a bad mood with everyone pretty much all the time (nothing’s ever good enough for her, and she’s lookin’ over everybody’s shoulder to find things to correct) you’re probably not going to change her pattern any time soon. So maybe just leave? Or if your husband’s anger and defensiveness is threatening your personal safety or the safety of your children, just get the heck out. Go. Pack your bags, get in your car (or have someone pick you up) and go to safety. There’s no thinking to be done there — take care of yourself. Or if you’ve given your relationship every chance to work, and it’s just not working, start over. Give yourself a clean slate. Nothing wrong with that.
And By The Way, Where Are We Heading?
When we say we’re heading up the emotional scale, from blame up the scale to happier times, what does that mean?
The beginning of a love relationship — ahhh! It’s like a warm bath. Everybody’s happy! Partners sing each others’ praises. The sound of the relationship is pleasant, melodic and beautiful. There is plenty of purring, deep breathing (oh yeah) and sighing. Things are looking up. Life is good. Getting to know each other is about discovery, play, curiosity, and the expression of love.
When love is fresh and new, we’re like young kids at play. We’re elated and hopeful. We expect to have fun. And we do!
This joy creates a very powerful kind of positive momentum. We’re holding someone else in the steady sunshine of our approving gaze. We find all sorts of reasons to love and appreciate because — this is important — we’re looking for the good stuff.
Being positive is a natural thing, and I believe it is our natural state – looking for what is fun, what is joyful and meaningful — because it connects us to our best self. And we like it when we are at our best and feel good.
Watch young children at play. If left to their own devices, they play for the delight of playing and discovering. They are exuberant.
A relationship can start out like that.
As we settle in and spend lots of time around each other, old defaults can creep in. What are yours? Where do you see them?
This is the stage where we may realize, “Well, shoot, that old problem (or pattern) of mine seems to have followed me.”
Yes, old baggage (beliefs, actions, and scars) can turn a new relationship into one resembling the past.
This can be a bit confusing, and even scary. Perhaps even disappointing or disheartening. It makes us wonder if we should stay in the relationship or give up and start over yet again.
Really, it’s just a matter of our defaults leading the way. What a great chance to see them and change them gradually!
Not To Worry!
This is the golden point (seriously it is) where everything good can happen, if we want it to — if we’re willing to pay attention in new ways. It’s a pivot place, and full of positive potential.
But here’s the thing. We can’t create a new and improved relationship by doing, saying or thinking the same things we’ve thought, said or done in the past.
Well, duh… Not too surprising.
But how does that work, practically speaking?
Learning to break new ground rather than repeat the past requires the assistance of a new (and tiny) muscle called awareness. We’ve got to find it and exercise it on purpose.
The idea is to use awareness to pay attention to something we do now that didn’t work in this moment and has never worked in the past.
Complaining to your partner is nails on a chalkboard. Being a complainer doesn’t inspire him/her to help you, be there for you or support you. It won’t get you what you want.
Notice tone of voice, too. Tone of voice gives a complaint extra clout. (Note: You can ask your partner for feedback to help you at first — let you know if you’re complaining or whining and you didn’t notice.)
Cut Off and Shut Off
Here’s another example. We cut off, shut off, turn away from, or ignore our partner — we don’t give them our full attention.He’s interested in telling her how his golf game was today, but she only pretends to listen while she multi-tasks. He knows she’s not listening. She knows she’s not listening. It doesn’t feel good to either one of them. Nobody wins.
Judge or Blame
Or when we judge or blame. We criticize, micromanage, question, monitor and correct our partner. Or we make them the cause of our difficulties, and point the finger at them.
And guess what? If we have our trusty awareness muscle working, it triggers a small internal alarm that chimes,“There it is. Pay attention right there.”
The inner alarm is triggered when something feels bad.
It’s an “oops!” It means, “Oops, I just did something that doesn’t feel good, has never felt good, and will probably never feel good.”
And I often say that if it feels bad, it is bad, meaning the result is probably not going in a direction that either partner wants to go.
But the really good news is that you noticed it this time, with your eyes wide open. The simple practice of awareness offers the opportunity to choose to do something different.
In future posts, I’ll write more on cleaning it up. I’ll give ideas on how to clean up complaining, turning away from your partner, and judging or blaming.
For now, the only important job is to get the awareness muscle working.
About Terri Crosby — I live in the Blue Ridge Mountains with Eric, my partner of 15 years, two cats and a dog, and as many flowers and vegetables as I can plant. I love really good food, good friends, good relationships!
There is no faster learning curve than being in a partnership. Being in a relationship (of any kind) is a sunflower-shining-brilliant sort of way to learn everything you ever wanted to learn about getting along with others — and about yourself.
And here’s the thing. In every earthly endeavor, we’ve got the power and energy of the sun right behind us, even when it’s cloudy. We’ve got the brilliance of the whole world, of those who came before us, of those who are here now, of those standing right in front of us, lighting our way. Assistance and bright ideas are everywhere.
And here’s another thing. Nothing will darken a relationship faster than blocking who we really are, or the light (assistance) that’s available. There is nothing more expensive in a relationship than using energy in a way that works against us.
And we can work against ourselves. I’ve done it myself, and I’ve seen others do it — plenty!
We work against ourselves and our brilliance by placing responsibility for the workability of a relationship outside ourselves.
HERE ARE EXAMPLES
I’m right you’re wrong, and wrong is not OK. So you should change. If you’d change, things would improve.
You must change in order for me to be happy. If you were different, I’d be in a better mood.
You cause my misery. The proof? When I’m around you, I am miserable. Around you, I have trouble being the person I would like to be. So fix yourself, and then I can feel better.
You cause me to be upset. Therefore, you (obviously) need to change what you do, or say, or how you are. And then I can be who I really am. Go ahead, I’m waiting…
I am afraid of you. It’s your fault.
You think I am “the problem?!?” Well, I think you’re the problem for calling me the problem. So there. How-do-ya-like-them-apples?
I know better than you what’s good for you, what works for you, or what you should do to make you/us better. Let’s do everything my way, and then we’ll get along. See how easy that would be?
IT’S ONLY YOU
Well, folks. Here’s the good news and the good news. You’re the CEO of your relationship.So you’re the CEO, and you’re saying you can’t save the company because you’re not an inspiring leader and the other people won’t cooperate? Other people don’t understand you? The other people are the problem, not you? Even though you’re in charge?
How lame is that? It doesn’t work in business, and guess what? It doesn’t work at home, either.
There is no easier way to keep a relationship at an unhappy standstill than by declaring ourselves powerless to create change and evolution. We do this by handing the the keys to our personal kingdom/queendom to someone else. We give away our power and then blame others for bad results. We play small.
Want to do something else instead?
TAKE THE WHEEL
How do you remember where you hid the keys to your personal power? How do you reclaim your ability to influence an outcome or create a positive result?
Notice when you think the other person should change. Just notice it. You don’t have to fix it right away. Just say, “Oh, I see that I think s/he should change.” At the beginning, leave it at that.
Next, notice when you’re resisting your partner. Feel it in your body. You’re the one paying for that resistance in the form of your personal well-being and your health. For your sake, consider letting go in that moment. If you let go, your cells will be more able to absorb nutrients, your mental outlook could improve, your heart could beat more easily. Just let go and listen. Let go and consider what’s being said as if you’ve never met that person. Let go and ask a question instead of defending yourself. Just give it a whirl. Do less, say less. Listen more.
Notice when you’ve laid down the reins of your relationship, meaning “I think I’ve got no control here.” If you picked up the reins again, what would that possibly look like, sound like, feel like, be like?
Notice when you feel icky. Or up tight. Or “off.” Or angry or frustrated. What’s going on? Where did your ability to make a difference go? Is it floating down the river without you? What would it take to catch up to it? It’s probably simpler than you think.
I’ll talk soon about more tips for improving your relationship. This is a big subject, and sometimes, a little dab’ll do ya.
Every positive change begins with awareness.
About Terri Crosby — I live in the Blue Ridge Mountains with Eric, my partner of 14 years, two cats and a dog, and as many flowers and vegetables as I can plant.
I’m in favor of wandering time in the morning, listening to the birds calling to each other in the woods all around me.
Making fresh food is one of life’s big yummy pleasures, along with singing – especially creating heavenly, improvisational, prayerful, meditational sound.
It is my experience that children are born to teach (remind) parents, not the other way around. I’ve learned more from my daughter than from all other humans combined.
I believe that poet Mary Oliver writes the best bedtime stories available on Earth.
You’re broken down and tired Of living life on a merry go round And you can’t find the fighter But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out And move mountains We gonna walk it out And move mountains
And I’ll rise up I’ll rise like the day I’ll rise up I’ll rise unafraid I’ll rise up And I’ll do it a thousand times again And I’ll rise up High like the waves I’ll rise up In spite of the ache I’ll rise up And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you For you For you For you
When the silence isn’t quiet And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe And I know you feel like dying But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet And move mountains Bring it to its feet And move mountains
And I’ll rise up I’ll rise like the day I’ll rise up I’ll rise unafraid I’ll rise up And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you For you For you For you
All we need, all we need is hope And for that we have each other And for that we have each other And we will rise We will rise We’ll rise, oh, oh We’ll rise
I’ll rise up Rise like the day I’ll rise up In spite of the ache I will rise a thousand times again And we’ll rise up High like the waves We’ll rise up In spite of the ache We’ll rise up And we’ll do it a thousand times again
During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.
We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.
But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.
As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.