Q & A With Terri Crosby

terri-crosby-headshot really smallQuestion: Terri, how did you get started in this business of Relationships?

Terri: It came about gradually. Getting a partner was never a problem for me. Keeping a partner was a problem. So early in my life, I went through men like Kleenex, and always thought the issues were about choosing the right partner, or finding the right circumstances, but nothing could be further from the truth.

So when I finally hit the wall (and it wasn’t pretty) I decided to figure out how to get along with another human in an intimate relationship. I knew how to have great friends. I didn’t know how to get along with a lover.

In 2005, I got help. I gave myself over to someone who was smarter than me at the time. I’m so glad I did!

And by the way, issues in intimate relationships translate to family, friends, and business as well.  So I work with individuals, partners and couples in any of those situations.

Question: Where are you from? Where did you grow up?

Terri: I grew up on a farm in northwestern Iowa, land of blue skies and tall corn. My family was Quaker, and I had five brothers and sisters. We grew a huge and sprawling garden of everything edible, and did canning and freezing all summer long. After graduating from High School, I went to Iowa State University and got a Bachelor of Science in Child Development.

Question: What do your clients consistently say about you?

Terri: Clients say I’m really good at simplifying. They often bring a long laundry list of issues or describe a complicated and multi-faceted situation. Then they throw up their hands and say something like, “It’s all too much and I can’t see what to do.”

For some reason, I see threads or connections. And when five or ten situations can be taken care of with one shift in perspective, now that’s what I’m talkin’ about. That’s worth a person’s time and energy. I’m good at “threading” and my clients appreciate it very much. It’s a relief to them.boat sitting

Another common remark is that I am fair, meaning that I don’t take sides when I’m working with a couple, with male/female business partners, or with parent(s) and children. Everyone appreciates this, because there is nothing worse than going to a relationship coach or mentor and feeling like you don’t have a fair chance  — you’ve got the disadvantage — especially if you’ve already got your sword out and you’re fighting for your life, your sanity and your dignity.

And on top of that, it doesn’t feel good to have to alter yourself to please others. It feels yucky and it’s not sustainable. That’s not what life is about. There is no need to bend like a pretzel to get along with a partner — or in general. Nothing good comes from you not being who you are and a whole lot of good comes from you being the person you were born to be.

One aspect of this “being fair” idea is that when the couple (or partner of any kind) is ready, I do something that I call  my “mouse in the corner” technique.  I work with one partner while the other is observing. So I work with one of the two people as if no one is watching.  But someone is watching, and the rule is the watcher has to be quiet as a mouse.  No reactions, no comments, no protests, no sounds.

If you have a partner who is participating in sessions with you, you’ll have the opportunity to see me work with the person you know really well (your partner) and you’ll see me holding them accountable and facilitating a result that you would never imagine. It’s really illuminating – that’s what people say about it.

Sometimes the best way to learn is to watch someone else learn. It’s a thrilling thing to witness, with zero risk for you.  When you aren’t in the hot seat, you can learn more comfortably and shift things you might not otherwise be able to shift.

Question: How long do you work with your clients?change is good just messy

Terri: Changing the course of a relationship takes time. Realistically, it takes nine months to a year to change the landscape of an intimate relationship. I know that from my own experience. You can initiate a change immediately, but it takes time to get used to it and make new habits. There is a flow to learning — you learn something new, you try it, fall down, get up, and try again. You might do that over and over — it’s OK. This is how we all learned to walk when we were babies, and how as an adult, we learn to walk in a new way.

Improving business relationships often moves a little faster than intimate relationships, by the way, ‘cause the participants aren’t having sex.

If you do consulting with me about an intimate relationship, you’ll most likely at some point experience an “out of the blue” relationship meltdown moment or two or five, but we’ll talk about those moments, and realize these moments aren’t “out of the blue” at all. You’ll see why it happened and what to do about it.  Instead of duct taping things back together, that big-deal-awful-thing can actually bring you closer. Disasters or meltdowns are love in disguise — love that doesn’t know how to be love. It’s love that fell over and can’t get up. But it’s all love. All of it.

Typically, I work with people for a minimum of 3 -4 months. It seems like a magic amount of time. In three months, your awareness is heightened, your eyes are more open, and you begin to see how and why you relate as you do. You begin to see that you’re totally running the show, and that the quality of your relationship with your partner (child, mother, family member) is totally up to you. It’s not up to the other person. It’s up to you. But I don’t expect anyone to really know that when they start work with me. I certainly didn’t know it when I was getting divorced for the third time. I had no clue. I am the poster child for “there is hope for everyone.”

When a client decides to go further, the next three months stabilize the new path, new patterns, and new awareness. It’s usually about practicing new perspectives, which effortlessly creates new outcomes. It’s an amazing process. Sessions can be less frequent, because you’ve got new skills and awareness under your belt, and the blessing of positive momentum.

After 6 months, you’ve got your feet under you, and you can begin creating outcomes in a powerful and exponential kinds of way.
In general, you might say the first 6 months is basically “wake up, try new things, learn how to pay attention to what works and do more of that.”  The second six months is about taking yourself where you’ve always wanted to go. You can do that because you have the foundation and the tools.

Question: Who do you work with? Who do you not work with?

Terri: I work with people who are committed to their personal happiness and authentic self-expression. I love working with smart, open, heart-centered folks who are already on a good personal track, and want to create an even smoother ride.key to success

I often work with individuals who experience success in certain areas of their life, and can’t figure out why they aren’t successful in other areas. So I help them translate success in one area to other areas.

I don’t work with serious depression, mental illness, or addiction.  I don’t deliberately choose to work with domestic abuse cases, but if it comes upI can be of assistance. 

I don’t work with people who are totally committed to complaining or blaming, or people who are looking for a quick fix to cover up the mounting pile of obvious and un-addressed issues. I am all for relationship tweaks and tips with the basic foundational perspectives and practice time under your belt. Then tweaks work like a charm.

Question: Is your approach religious at all?

Terri: No, this information is not limited to those with a certain background or upbringing. If you’re ready to explore, discover and learn “outside the box”, we will probably work well together.

Question: Anything else you’d like us to know?

Terri: I find great joy in what I do. It may sound strange to say that people bring me problems and it makes me happy. To be accurate, the problems don’t make me happy, but I don’t see them as problems. What if that “problem” is there to help you clarify who you are and where you’re going? What if there is nothing wrong?

Working with smart and creative people is thrilling, fun, satisfying and even humorous. It’s also endlessly entertaining, and totally heartwarming. If we can’t be entertained by our own humanness, then what’s the point? Life is too short for drudgery. I’m a believer in “lighter is better” when it comes to a point of view or easy outcome.

I think human beings are brave beyond measure, full of positive possibility, and capable. Totally capable. I believe in my clients right down to my toes. When you’re going through a wobbly or difficult time, it’s a very good thing for someone to hold you in love, with confidence in your ability to express and evolve. It can make all the difference.

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Terri Crosby

Helping you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. Follow me on twitter at@TerriCrosby or read myblog.

Comments (2)

  • Avatar

    shiner

    |

    “It’s love that fell over and can’t get up.”

    What a great image and a hilarious one at that! Many tall plants in my garden resemble this at the moment.

    Reply

    • Avatar

      Terri Crosby

      |

      Haaaaaaaaaaaa! Yes, it’s the way it goes in fall gardens, huh? The plant says, “I’m all done.” Let’s meet again in the Spring!” love, Terri

      Reply

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She’s Got Love Fingers

Christie Lenee can play a guitar. She’s the 2017 International Finger Style Guitar Champion of the Year. In September of last year in London, she also won Acoustic Guitarist of the Year.

But lucky for us, she’s not just a champion guitar player. Christie Lenee is also quite the composer.

A friend of hers, Michael Pukac, requested that she write a song, one he described as “the story of love.” She scribbled notes and went to work.

Through Christie’s ability to imagine, his desire became music. Now she plays this song for the world with her love fingers. Lucky you, lucky me, lucky us.

Take very good care of yourself this week. Why not sing a little…

Love,

Terri

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Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

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Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

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Terri Crosby

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