My Husband’s (Brilliant) Relationship Advice

dinner dateEric and I had a dinner date recently. It was one of those perfect weather evenings, we were ushered to the just-right table by the window, and we talked and caught up on everything. I had spent the week in Atlanta with my (fairly new) business coach, and I had lots of stories to share! After the Atlanta stories, and Eric’s “while you were gone report,” the conversation turned to aspects of my business, and the clients I have.

Shall I Stay Or Shall I Go?

As you might imagine, a query that frequently comes up in the business of relationships is  — shall I stay in this relationship or shall I go? Of course I don’t tell my clients what to do in this kind of situation because the decision is in their capable hands.   (Except in the case of safety issues and there is no good reason on Earth to mess with them) One of the ways I coach about this “stay or leave question” is to recommend that no couple has to make an unnatural, forced, “gotta-take-action” decision about it. We don’t have to get all steely and determined, with fists ready and defenses primed and poised.  We don’t have to shout from the rooftops about “all the kings horses and all the kings men.”  We don’t have to justify.  We don’t have to yell a war cry.  We  don’t need to rally the troops (gather agreement from family and friends) and make a righteous exit. In my estimation, being right is a poor substitute for getting what we really want. And on the other side… neither do we have to force-fly our surrender flag, as in “I’ve been thrown out, rejected, dishonored.  Clearly, I’m wrong.”   We quietly pack our things and slink away into the night to try to create another hopefully better life somewhere else.  The final conversations are uncomfortably tense and much is left unresolved emotionally speaking. It doesn’t have to be that way.This Way, That Way I know. But sometimes it is. I know… But we don’t have to force.  Forcing is not a requirement in decision making. If one is being honest and true — transparent and real —  there is no need to hurry a decision, throw down a trump card, or declare anything drastic.  The decision can simply become part of the flow – part of the natural evolution of things.   The situation evolves as two individuals become clearer.  The next step of staying or leaving becomes a natural extension of the couple’s clarity.

Take It Easy

So when someone feels forced about a decision, or can’t seem to make a decision, I usually say that it might not be time to decide. Ideally speaking, a decision should not be hard or agonizing.  It should feel “right.”  In these cases, I tell people to try taking the decision off the table for a while and be easy about it. At one point in the conversation, I asked Eric for direct advice. My question to Eric was, “What advice would you offer, what thoughts do you have about coaching people who are teetering on the edge of leaving a relationship?” I was really curious what he would say. And he thought for a moment, took a bite of his Greek Salad (with really great olives by the way) and then said, “It’s a matter of Benefits vs. BS.” I started laughing. This is such an obvious thing, huh? Just look to see – do the Benefits outweigh the BS!  Are the positive aspects more important than everything else? And for me as a relationship mentor, the not-so-beautiful stuff can often be transformed and transferred to the beneficial side of the equation.  So there’s THAT. The idea that a problem can actually bring you closer is something I work with in almost every session with a couple. Ahhhh.  Now that’s better.  

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Terri Crosby

Helping you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. Follow me on twitter at@TerriCrosby or read myblog.

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    Vicki Rowe-Currence

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    Sounds like a book title: Benefits Vs BS

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Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

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Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.

We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.

But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.

As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.

Terri Crosby. http://www.incareofrelationships.com/.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

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Terri Crosby

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