More Tips for the Starting Line — Improving Your Intimate Relationship

written by Terri Crosby for In Care of Relationships
Are you trying to improve your relationship? Make it better? Here are a few more tips for getting started.Hold Your Horses…
Resist the temptation to try to remodel your relationship on top of the current conditions — the conglomeration of good stuff, the bad stuff, and everything in between.
Hey, How About A Little Duct Tape?

The Problem With The Quick Fix
But here’s the thing. Duct tape can only do so much — it has its limits. It’s not going to fix a foundational issue. Swooping in with a quick fix of any kind does help with symptoms, but not main issues. Relationship emergencies are no different. You can duct tape until the cows some home, but it’s not going to solve anything foundational. Are you tired of duct taping your issues and making things appear reasonably OK? If you don’t know how to get through your yeow-ly moments, disagreements, crashes, problems — then you’ve got nothin’ but a circus on your hands. Seriously. You’ve got a Barnum and Bailey Circus Extravaganza — in your relationship!Been There, Done That
So here’s what we sometimes do — and we’ve all done it or seen it.

How Do I Turn This Around?
So… back to the more personal example at home. If you want to calm things down, slow things down, and take a look at what’s really going on in any kind of chaos, start in an easy place. Look for the little places — not the big places — where you react to your partner or someone you relate to on a daily basis. Make notes. Here’s what I mean by a reaction.- You know that thing s/he says or does that instantly makes you angry? And you have a reaction? And it’s not a good reaction? That’s what I’m talkin’ about.
- Or s/he is predictable — oh, here we go again. The same (damn) story. The same (damn) habit. The same (damn) whatever. And you want to run away screaming?
- Or you feel disappointed when your partner doesn’t do something. That’s a reaction.
- Or your partner isn’t holding up his/her end of the bargain. S/he said employment was in his/her future, but it’s not happening. And you have a reaction.
- Or your partner criticizes you? Cuts you down? And you defend, explain, justify? All of that is reactive (both sides). It’s not creative. Reactions aren’t wrong — they just don’t help you thrive. They are simply inefficient. They aren’t helping you get what you say you want.
What Makes a Relationship Thrive?
A thriving relationship moves from being “reaction based” to a place where you can be more creative together.
Which means that YOU move from reactive to creative. Don’t worry about your partner, just concentrate on YOU about this.
Instead of ups and downs, or one crisis after another, and a lot of strong sticky tape, quick fixes or courses in Circus Management, the ride is smoother. You are more present. You see each other. You appreciate. You listen more, defend less.
For a relationship to thrive, shift gears. Shift your focus. Shift your perspective of the circumstances.
(Yes, I know, easier said than done.)
For instance, shift from “We have a problem and this is a PROBLEM, this is bad, OMG…”
…to “We have a problem and this is a golden opportunity.”
Just start there.
Yes, there is a way for a problem to bring you closer. I really mean that. The solution to the problem can help your relationship, if you let it. You become closer because of that problem. No recovery needed.
Wouldn’t it be amazing if your “big problem” creates a solution that strengthens your connection? Yes. It’s totally possible. It’s possible if you see your “problem” as an opportunity to become more of who you are.
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About Terri Crosby — I live in the Blue Ridge Mountains with Eric, my partner of 14 years, two cats and a dog, and as many flowers and vegetables as I can plant.
I’m in favor of wandering time in the morning, listening to the birds calling to each other in the woods all around me.
Making fresh food is one of life’s big yummy pleasures, along with singing – especially creating heavenly, improvisational, prayerful, meditational sound.
It is my experience that children are born to teach (remind) parents, not the other way around. I’ve learned more from my daughter than from all other humans combined.
I believe that poet Mary Oliver writes the best bedtime stories available on Earth.
For more information about In Care of Relationships, click here.
Tags: improving your relationship, In Care of Relationships, relationship, relationship diasters, relationship problems, relationship with men, relationships, Terri Crosby, unraveling
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