I Know Nothing. I Give Up.

I’d like to announce for the record that I’m pretty sure I know nothing at all about anything.

There’s a line in the sand.

Eric departed and now I’m reorganizing — my house, my life, not to mention my identity. I didn’t know that would happen to the extent that it’s happening. I didn’t know it would have such impact.

I didn’t know how much of a couple we were. I didn’t know how connected we were, on so many levels. I thought I knew. I was sure I knew. I’m here to report that I didn’t know — at all.

When he died, it’s no surprise that it felt as if the rug of my life was pulled out from under me. I expected that. It’s natural. I’ve felt the rug pulled out from under me before.

But I didn’t expect to lose my confidence. I did lose it. It went away. It flutters back in my direction occasionally and says hello but it doesn’t stay with me. I’m chalking it up to “reorganizing my identity.” Maybe even losing my identity. I’ve lost who I thought I was, which can only be a good thing. Maybe I’ll be left with “less identity” or a minimalist version. One can only hope.

In honor of my re-organization, I’m giving up on the following for the foreseeable future. I’m throwing in the towel. If you’d like to join me for any or all of it, please let me know how it goes for you. I want to hear about it.

I’VE OFFICIALLY HAD IT WITH ALL OF THE FOLLOWING.

I’M GIVING UP ON…

Trying to make something, anything better than it is. Whatever it is, it is what it is, and that’s it. It may change. It may not. I totally, completely give up. I don’t know how to make anything better. I’m not sure “better” is better at all. It’s just different.

Hurrying. Rushing. Pushing. I’m practicing my imitation of a turtle. So there. Don’t expect me to be there on the double.

Understanding my feelings. Good grief. I totally give up. I have too many feelings. Deep feelings. Feelings I’ve never had before.

Getting to sleep at a decent hour, sleeping through the night, waking up rested and refreshed. It’s just not working. It’s not happening. I give up.

Trying. I can’t try anymore. I can’t even pretend I’m gonna try. It’s over.

Apology. I may need help with this because I have a lot of it right now. I’m overstocked. However, I’ve pulled the plug, and I’m watching it drain out. Emptying is a good thing.

My body. It isn’t particularly happy. I give up on how I’ve been eating and exercising. I’m over it. I don’t really know what I need — now. Apparently I needed what I used to need, but now I’m different. I’m throwing caution to the wind. I’ll let you know what I do and how that goes.

Being organized. It’s impossible. Never-ending. A silly pipe dream. Never gonna happen. I give up.

The idea of excellence. What is that, anyway? And why do we need it? I’m with e e cummings on this subject. He said, “let them go — the truthful liars and the false fair friends and the boths and neithers — you must let them go they were born to go…” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Terri Crosby

Helping you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. Follow me on twitter at@TerriCrosby or read myblog.

Comments (20)

  • Avatar

    Amy Mandel

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    Terri – While you may not know much at the moment ( and I can SO relate to what you say here), this post is nothing short of brilliant. Thanks so much for sharing in such a deeply authentic way.

    Sending love,

    Amy

    Reply

    • Avatar

      Terri Crosby

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      Thank you, Amy. Someone just wrote me on email about this post, saying how she was finding treasures in her surrender. I wrote back to say I’m not in the “treasure” part of the journey yet! LOL! I’m in the fall down go boom, lost in the forest, groping in the dark part! Ah, this, too will change… or not :–). Whatever!
      love to you,
      Terri

      Reply

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    Keldwyn

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    You are a deeply wise, courageous woman. As long as I have had the treasure-pleasure of knowing you, I have experienced you as deeply connected, honest and wise. Now I hear that you are doing a deeper dive into Truth, and I feel confident that you are on a deeply authentic journey into your Reality.
    I love you. I honor and respect you Terri

    Reply

    • Avatar

      Terri Crosby

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      Thank you, Keldwyn. Yep, I’ve got my diving suit on… love, Terri

      Reply

  • Avatar

    Suka

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    Thank you. No Mercury in retrograde here. I get it clearly. So well put.

    Simply empty, Wholly in nothingness. Overwhelmed into numbness. Does it matter? It is what it is. And “is” is always and forever changing. So, for now, what difference does it make? Both denial and acceptance create healing space.

    It’s amazing how the rest of the world goes on, making so much of everything, buzzing around with craziness, when our life stops cold, and no one seems to get it, and we are alone in our inner world. The rest of the world totally doesn’t get it, whatever “it” is.

    Escape; can’t; so time to fold “em, and just take in the breath of Life Force that is Spirit and Eric.

    Time for a beer, or chocolate, or screaming, or crying, or staring out the window at nothing, passing gas, avoiding everything, kicking the shit out of “should’s”, cuddling with dog and cat, smoking pot, seeing how far you can spit, staring at a candle, getting in the car and driving to anywhere, dancing alone, going to a spa and vastly indulging the body, going to the beach and sitting in the ocean, walking a mountain trail, reading a really stupid book, or doing nothing, nothing, nothing at all. It all DOES matter even if it doesn’t matter. Ha. What do I know? Same as you, nothing.

    Thanks for your sharing. Well said.

    Reply

    • Avatar

      Terri Crosby

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      Oh, this is quite a story you’ve told! I love every word of it! Thank you for writing! love, Terri

      Reply

  • Avatar

    Carol

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    My heart is tugged in oh so many ways dear one. I can’t imagine losing Paul as you’ve lost Eric. One thing I know for sure about you is courage. AND being in my own version of a transformation in its infancy, I too am blind, afraid , frustrated and oddly optimistic. I turn 70 this year…OMG…70. And if ONE more person tells me you are as old as you feel I am going to scream.

    As a fellow (and recovering) pusher and puller in life, I am trying to respect that these deep transformations have their own time line. DAMN IT!

    Keep breathing in sweet breaths of life and breathe out any and all that icky stuff. HUGS whenever you can take one in!!!

    C

    Reply

  • Avatar

    shiner

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    I believe that’s might be the definition of allowing:)
    ALWAYS a good thing.
    Not always easy!
    Your willingness to be open about all of this is a gift to many.

    I adore you whether you are engaged or not with all the categories you listed.

    Reply

    • Avatar

      Terri Crosby

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      Thank you, Shiner. You know I always love hearing what you have to say. Thank you for your love. It’s good to know I’m still OK with you even if I don’t get to all the categories. What a good thing. :–) Love, Terri

      Reply

  • Avatar

    Holly

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    Two things, Terri:

    The first thing:
    I’ve kept this clipping of the old “Shoe” cartoon for years. He says, “I feel so much better since I gave up…”
    Roz says, “Drinking?”
    He says, “No. I just gave up.”

    Second thing:
    When I’ve had to hit the restart button on my life AGAIN, I find liberation hiding beneath the grief and fear as I realize that I have no control over over anything. Not one single thing. Not even myself. I go back to putting one foot in front of the other when I can. When I can’t, oh well–time for a rest.

    Take your foot off the gas and coast for a while, a good long while.
    Love to you.

    Reply

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      Terri Crosby

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      Coasting would be good. I can’t really say I’m doing that, but I’m coasting more than I have in a while. Love you, Terri

      Reply

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    Virginia Boyle

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    Terri–I have visited where you are too. Isn’t it one of the most painful experiences ever while being one that frees you up at the same time. I read your sharings with familiarity, thank you for that and for your clarity and confusion with it all. It is hard to just let the”horse” have its head, yet that is what works. I love the notion of just giving it up that you related, a nice kernel to live with at times.

    Reply

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      Terri Crosby

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      Thank you, Va. Yes, the most painful ever while being the thing that frees you up! How crazy is that. Hmmm… Ommmm… love, Terri

      Reply

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    Deb

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    Hi Cousin,
    Lots of love and prayers coming your way. What you are writing about is the yuckiness and grief. It is not a fun walk at all, but there is no other way. I remember feeling like I was going crazy. I just wanted to be done with sadness and grief and I wanted “normal”. Will normal had changed . We are complex beings as created by the Lord. Grief does a heck of a number on us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. God has you . He loves you. Lean heavily into His bosom. Take good care of yourself . Reduce the stress as much as possible . I love you Teri and my heart goes out to you. Deb

    Reply

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      Terri Crosby

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      Deb, thank you for your words. I, too, want to be done with the sadness. And sometimes I feel totally nuts. Yes, a new normal. Hmmm… Thank you for your heartfulness. I feel it. love, Terri

      Reply

  • Avatar

    Delia

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    You continue to inspire me with your willingness to be raw and truthful! It’s a powerful time of re-organizing, and the angels, I’m sure, have something even more wonderful in store for you . . . I see them stroking you tenderly right this very minute to sooth your angst!

    Reply

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      Terri Crosby

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      Thank you, Delia. I do know there is more in store for me and I trust that it is equally or even more wonderful. Thank you for your vision of the angels. love, Terri

      Reply

  • Avatar

    Karen Hart

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    Hi Terri,
    I can relate. For me, when rugs get pulled out from under me, my universe goes upside down, taking most of my precepts with it. Scary but also a refreshing relief.

    In general, I no longer feel like I know what’s best for anyone; my job is to listen and reflect acceptance and compassion. That is often a tall order.

    My body: inside I feel slim. How did I get so large and how can I return to lightweight, slender me? I totally give up on discipline and exercise – in terms of believing that I have any semblance of control. I am a sugar addict.

    I like knowing you’re out there thinking, growing and sharing.

    Sending you love and strength for all your next steps. ❤️

    Karen

    Reply

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      Terri Crosby

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      Karen, so good to hear from you. Thank you for sharing your side of the story, too. I know we will find our way! Sending you strength as well! Love, Terri

      Reply

  • Avatar

    corey

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    TERRI… WHAT A WONDERFUL, WARMHEARTED AND INSIGHTFUL COLLECTION OF THOUGHTS AND

    NOTES… VERY TOUCHING … KUDOS TO YOU FOR INSPIRING OTHERS TO MAKE SUCH GENUINE

    AND HEARTFELT COMMENTS… 🙂 TRUST YOUR LIFE IS COMING TOGETHER IN A NEW AND

    JOYOUS WAY… LOVE TO YOU AND MACKENZIE… COREY

    Reply

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Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.

We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.

But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.

As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.

Terri Crosby. http://www.incareofrelationships.com/.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

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Terri Crosby

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