How To Get What You Need Even When Hubby Wants Opposite

Ribbon Sunset 2

Dear Terri,

“I’m an introvert who needs a lot of quiet time alone.  My husband is an extrovert with an open door policy to his friends.  We keep going round and round with this one.  How can we both get what we need?”

First, both people are right.  She knows what she needs, and he does, too.  That’s a (very) good thing.

How do you figure out how to get what you need, when your partner wants the opposite? 

You do not get there by:

  • pushing against the other person, duking it out, grabbing what quiet time you can get and being mad or disappointed when you don’t get what you need.
  • assuming you can’t get what you need because he wants the opposite.
  • assuming sacrifice is the answer, meaning “I must sacrifice what I want so you can have your needs met.” (And then, by the way, I’ll hate you and it will spill out in surprising and icky ways which neither of us will enjoy or feel good about.)  Or the opposite, meaning you must sacrifice so that my needs are met, which is just as distasteful.

You do get there by: 

  • regarding the situation as temporary
  • assuming there’s a good solution you haven’t thought of yet, that will not only satisfy you both, but will thrill you both, and bring you closer.
  • being creative problem solvers — get curious, play with ideas, brainstorm, be light-hearted, feel receptive rather than combative or in competition, be open to unusual solutions.
  • coming from partnership and being willing to help each other (or find someone who can help you)
  • coming from a place of optimistic generosity rather than scarcity (I’m sure there are ways to work this out and I’m looking forward to that vs. here we go again, this will never work, or I can’t get enough of what I need)

For sure, the more you push against the other person to get what you want (energy of blocking or preventing) the more they push back and the two of you are stuck.  You’re locked in.

FEMALE INTROVERT

What is a female introvert?  What does that mean?

An introvert is a person who is energized by spending time alone.  Introverts use the cocoon method of recovery and re-generation.  We get under the covers.  We get quiet, sleep, read, and putter around the house when nobody’s around.  We don’t answer the phone.  We meditate, contemplate or write in our journal.  We take time for a home spa day, with soft music, a hot bath, soothing scents, and soft light.  If no one is around, it makes it — way! — easier to relax and go within.

If you don’t take human instinct into the equation when it comes to intimate relationships (and this is a big subject) it is my humble opinion that you’ve got no chance in a million of creating a brilliant relationship.

There, I said it. 

To truly have fun with each other, to take things less seriously, you’ve got to know a little about your inner cavewoman and his caveman.  You’ve just got to.  We can’t cover this sprawling subject here, but that blog post will get you started. 

Here’s a tiny example of how cavewoman applies to the question at hand.

When “female” is added to the introvert equation, the importance of “no one being around” heightens.  This is because the feminine aspect is very tuned in to the environment.  On the level of instinct, the feminine aspect is constantly scanning regarding physical safety.  Compared to the masculine, we’re smaller and weaker, and we scan for survival purposes.  It’s built into our DNA.  It’s totally natural.  If you don’t believe me, think about how you get out of your car in a dark parking lot in an unfamiliar city.  That’s a clear example, but there are many other subtle examples all day long.

In addition to safety first, there is also the instinct of nurturing.  In the hunter-gatherer model, females are generally the gatherer, and also the nurturer.  We take care of the young especially, but we take care of whoever is around that could use a little nurturing.  If guests are in our house, we think about them.  Are they hungry?  Are they comfortable?  Do they need extra blankets and pillows?  Are they happy and content?

So to regenerate, females need a break from having others on our radar.  For mothers with children, it’s heavenly when the husband leaves for work, the kids go off to school.  Then, you can turn your full attention to other things.  When the house clears and becomes quiet, maybe you walk to your painting studio and do your thing.  Or you write, meditate or exercise before you head out for the day, because you know everybody’s OK, and your radar is clear.  For women who have company for the weekend, no matter how much we enjoy having them in our midst, it’s always lovely when everyone leaves. 

DO YOU KNOW…CC on Sky 4

  1. Do you know how you work best, what you need, or what brings out the best in you?
  2. Are you able to explain this fully to your partner/mate?
  3. Are you curious what your mate needs, too?  Have you asked him/her?
  4. Are you willing to explore with your mate for possible answers that work for both of you?

Tell your husband what it does for you to have your quiet space.  Also tell him what this means for him.  What kind of person/partner does this allow you be?  How does this bring out the best in you?  When you get your quiet time, you feel more (what?) and what does that mean for him?  What can you give him when you’ve had your down time?  

  • “I like you (much) better when I feel rested and relaxed.”
  • “I like you better when I feel like a woman.”
  • “When I’ve had time to myself, I’m in love — with me, with life and with you.  I want to be in love with you, so having my down time is important.”

So, sometimes, it’s just a matter of telling your husband what having what you need does for you — and then he’s all over it.  He wants to give that to you, because he wants to enjoy the best of you, not the watered down, irritated snapping turtle version.

Give this  problem to him.  Ask him to help you solve it or be a part of solving it.  And then give useful feedback that guides him.  And be direct.  “No, that doesn’t help.” Or “Yes, that helps.”

You might say, “There’s something I need, I don’t know how to get it and I’d love to hear your ideas.”  The masculine enjoys solving problems, and especially likes solving problems that makes a better world for you, and therefore for him.  Everybody wins.

Maybe there’s an easy adjustment that would work for both of you.  Can some of his extrovert time happen outside the home?  Meet at a park/soccer field/football field/golf course, or somebody’s office or wherever.  Or what about the location for your quiet time?  You leave for a spa day while he has buddies over to watch football?  You come home all happy, he’s had time with his friends, and you’re both flying high.  You like each other better when you’re flying high!

Solutions will come when you decide to be partners.  Your description of your starting point is two people on opposite sides of the fence.  You’re not holding hands thinking about this subject together and being curious about the solutions.  It sounds like more of a tug-of-war contest, which is why it goes back and forth or “round and round” as you said. 

So to find your solutions, shift gears.  Look at the problem together.  Call on your best creative problem solving skills, be curious, and see what shows up!  You’ll find your answers!

 

 

 

 

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Terri Crosby

Helping you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. Follow me on twitter at@TerriCrosby or read myblog.

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    Heather MacAllister

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    Love there articles- so much makes sense in such a easy way. Thank you for helping all of us to continue to grow and learn-process differently.
    Thanks-
    Heather

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Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.

We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.

But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.

As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.

Terri Crosby. http://www.incareofrelationships.com/.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

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Terri Crosby

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