Experiencing Drastic Change With A Little More Ease

Change is change. It’s not loss. But we often feel the two simultaneously, in divorce or death for instance, as in – with one, comes the other –  with change comes loss. When a person dies, we often say, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Change means things will be different, which in itself doesn’t dictate whether my life will be more or less, better or worse. I decide that part. I guide that part.

If I believe “different” means I’ll have less (love, intimacy, laughter) it might cause cause me to get under the covers and never leave. However, if my beliefs support my connection with someone, whether I’m with that person physically or not, that makes things infinitely easier.

MOVING ON

If change means I’m moving, and I must leave these flowers I have planted, and I view moving away from my flowers as difficult, I mourn the loss of them.   

On the other hand, if I believe that change means “more, new, different,” and I imagine planting flowers at my new home as I leave this one, I add to my joy, and to the beauty of this world. I become the Johnny-Appleseed of flowers.

If I leave this home, with this beautiful view, and fear not having a beautiful view in my future, my heart aches.

Have you ever noticed that thinking small feels perfectly awful, dreadful, unbearable — and why shouldn’t it?

It’s unnatural.

Feeling bad is a soul signal. It’s a signal that I’m thinking in a way that could use a little ease. I’ve scrunched my big beautiful self into a too-small package of possibilities. It’s uncomfortable. It should be, ’cause something’s not natural about how I’m thinking.

But here’s the thing.

I am not interested in pretending. I want  real change. I want to feel better and mean it.

How do I shift my thinking authentically? I’m not interested in simply pasting a cheery smile on my sad face. That’s not gonna work for me.

TO BEGIN

To begin the process (and yes, it is a process…) there is one easy thing I can do.

I simply question the thought that’s causing worry or stress.

I ask myself “Is it true that moving means I lose a beautiful view… moving means I won’t have a beautiful view in my future?”

No, I can’t know that for sure.

I repeat this to myself slowly, to let it sink in. “No, I can’t know that for sure…”

I am worrying about something that hasn’t happened and might not happen. I’m concerned about something that isn’t even true!

Knowing this, having this dawn on me, causes a sunrise in my heart.

How beautiful it is to know I don’t have to believe my stressful thoughts. How full of light. How inspiring. Imagine burdens dropping, baggage falling away, balloons of hope rising. It’s nice to know I needn’t spend my valuable time on a made up, manufactured worry.

Truth is, there is an endless array of beautiful views to be had in this world, so many sunrise mornings and sunset evenings ahead of me. My new home and new life will bring new views. Who knows what those views will be?

Thinking this way feels better because it’s expansive. My heart opens, my blood flows, and I breathe deeply as I stand in the wild flowers of welcoming. Here in this field of endless color and beauty where the entire Universe is my ally, I can feel the powerful support of All-That-Is.

ONE MORE

If I love the sparkling clear crystalline sound of the early morning wood thrush in my beloved forest on top of my beloved mountain, and the thought of leaving this sound (and my mountain) is disheartening, I cry. (Seriously, I do.) I weep that I might no longer hear this bird family relating in song.

Is it true that if I move, I lose the wood thrush? Or bird song?

No. I can’t know that for sure.

I could meet more singers with my next move. Who knows.

I do know that I had not yet met the wood thrush before I moved here. My move to this mountain introduced me to one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard. 

Here is another recording which explains how the wood thrush makes such exquisite sounds.

I know the wood thrush because of change, and I can only imagine what my next change will bring.

CHANGES AHEAD

At the recent Spiritual Summit here in Asheville, initiated by Unity of The Blue Ridge, one of the main speakers hinted that she “was going through some things” and was learning to experience change as something other than loss. She didn’t explain her circumstances, but spoke briefly about her relationship with her husband, and that the two of them would “just have to see where this goes.”

She shared that she was learning how to go through change differently than she had in the past. She spoke of the idea of experiencing change as a contribution to her life rather than a loss, and knowing her a tiny bit as I do now, she’s got a great deal at stake.

I truly appreciate her approach. I’ll have what she’s having.

DOES CHANGE REQUIRE HEAVY LIFTING?

This is the part of change that most of us groan about.

The effort required to initiate a significant change can seem overwhelming. A cross-country move (or any move), a search for new employment, or making changes for better health, for instance, require time and energy.

But is it true that change takes effort? Is it hard?

Maybe.

For sure, “doing” is hard work if I’m not on board with a change I believe I need to make or feel forced to make.

I’ve noticed that changes I’m not wild about take work and often include false starts, re-thinking and do overs. (Not to mention exhaustion.)

ON THE OTHER HAND

However, if I welcome change and what it will bring, if my heart has found peace with “new and different,” then flowing with what’s ahead is more like heading down a mountain instead of climbing one. The process is easier.

It’s more like allowing myself to go downstream to where I’m headed anyway, instead of battling rapids going upstream. (And how crazy is it to go against the river of my life?)

Going downstream gives me assistance instead of resistance. I let the stream do the heaviest work.

Either way, the fact is I’m moving in a new direction. The only qualitative difference in how things will turn out is the story I tell. 

BUT WHAT ABOUT POP-UPS?

During any change process, there is that pesky problem of pop-ups. Do pop-ups rain on your positive parade?  What then?

Negative thoughts pop up. Stressful thinking pops up. Doubt or worry pops up.

It’s OK. It’s natural. This happens to everyone, everyone, everyone.

So let’s talk about relaxing around what our minds do during change.

If a thought appears — kind or unkind, blaming someone or totally responsible, limiting or expansive, heavy or light, concerning loss or gain — so be it.

Notice the thought. Receive it. Sit with it.

Then question the thought.

I question the thought so it can let go of me.

I don’t have to work hard to make the thought go away. I needn’t discipline my thinking. It’s not required that I keep a stiff upper lip or pretend the thought isn’t there. I don’t have to do a big, elaborate process about it, get out my sage and burn it away, or do an exorcism.

All I do is question the thought.

Here’s an example.

Today, I’m rolling merrily along and a pop-up thought arises that my coming changes will bring a diminished life. I am only one person now. It was better when there were two of us.

The thought family floats in. I see it. I welcome it into my heart and sit with it.

Then I question it.

Is it true that the circumstances of my life, the quality of my life, the daily experience of my life will be less — tomorrow or the next day? 

No, I can’t say that. I have no idea. For all I know, I’m trading up.

The moment I question my thought, “feeling diminished” lets go of me. It releases. I can feel it in my body, mind and heart.

Or how about this one. The pop-up thought occurs that my coming changes will be too much work both physically and emotionally and I don’t have the energy to make more deep changes so soon after Eric’s passing. The thought says, “Moving is too much… widow’s rules say this and that…”

I question my thought. I don’t argue with it. I don’t tell it that it’s not a legitimate thought. I don’t disagree. I don’t send it away. I don’t put my foot down and refuse the thought. I don’t try to positive-ize it.

I simply ask, “Can I know that’s true?”

No.

As a matter of fact, I can see how this big change could be easier than I might think, and ultimately benefit me — sooner rather than later. Moving and downsizing could make it easier to focus on the writing and speaking I will do in the future.

AND FINALLY…

I remind my mind that I didn’t make the world.

I didn’t make the rain, the stars or the moon. I didn’t make the wood thrush or this mountain or the stunning sunsets or sunrises I see every day. Neither did I make the loving stream that is carrying me. The stream of life is here for me. It will continue to carry me, guide me, help me. I am thoroughly, completely and fully supported.

And now, in the words of my Summit sister, we shall see where this goes…

 

 

 

Tags: , , ,

Trackback from your site.

Terri Crosby

Helping you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. Follow me on twitter at@TerriCrosby or read myblog.

Comments (10)

  • Avatar

    Jim Reed

    |

    Thanks much for this piece, Terri. It has spoken to me & I trust it speaks to many others.

    Reply

    • Avatar

      Terri Crosby

      |

      And YOU are the one that named the wood thrush for me! I didn’t know what that beautiful sound was until you told me. Thank you! Terri

      Reply

  • Avatar

    Tammy Gregg

    |

    Thank you for sharing your heart and your wisdom Terri. I have posted this to Facebook. I personally find it very helpful. Much love.

    Reply

    • Avatar

      Terri Crosby

      |

      Thank you so much, Tammy. And thank you for posting! love, Terri

      Reply

  • Avatar

    Emily Shaules

    |

    I can totally relate to this, Terri. With a cross-country move and change in my relationship upcoming, as well as the recent death of my grandmother and mother’s terminal illness, there is such a desire to keep things as they are now. But I know deep down all these changes will ultimately enhance my life. Surrendering into that is my focus right now…

    Reply

    • Avatar

      Terri Crosby

      |

      You have a lot on your plate, Emily. May you navigate with grace and ease. I’ll be paddling right along with you and we’ll just keep waving to each other across the water once in a while. :–) love, Terri

      Reply

  • Avatar

    Holli Safley

    |

    “Some believe the song of the Wood Thrush to be the most beautiful bird song in North America”. Your words are that bird’s beautiful song.
    We both have done some heavy lifting the last several years. Must learn to avoid those pop-ups!
    Hugs,
    Holli

    Reply

    • Avatar

      Terri Crosby

      |

      It’s early morning here as I’m reading your comment, and I was happily “interrupted” by the beautiful songs of the wood thrushes in the forest outside my door. So I opened it! Ahhh. Their songs are now floating in as I type. Nothing could be better!

      Yes, we have both done some heavy lifting, and we are learning how to lighten how we do things. Pop ups are fine, by the way, no need to manage them or stop them. Let them entertain you, learn from them and they’ll go on their merry way (wagging their tails behind them). Love to you, Holli! Terri

      Reply

  • Avatar

    corey

    |

    REALLY NICE, “T”… 🙂

    Reply

  • Avatar

    Ellen Errico Schon

    |

    Perhaps you didn’t “make the world”, but you are a beautiful, incredible part of it. You always have been, and you always will be. I don’t need to question that. It is a fact that fills me with joy (just knowing you). I hope it brings you some comfort.

    Reply

Leave a comment

Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.

We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.

But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.

As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.

Terri Crosby. http://www.incareofrelationships.com/.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

Read more

Get in touch

Terri Crosby

Talk to me