EVERYone in EVERY Relationship Is Good At This

producing resultsEveryone in every relationship is good at producing results. No question about it. The thing is, do you like the results you produce? Are you happy?  Having a good time? Are things going smoothly in your relationship? Do you understand each other?  When you are at odds, do you know how to recover? Do you trust that together, things turn out better than either one of you could have imagined or planned on your own?

CRASH.  BANG.  BOOM.big falling rocks

In a session with a couple recently, I was working with a woman who had pretty much hit bottom. It’s that moment of reckoning when you see and finally face the results you’ve produced in your relationship and you don’t like it at all. She sobbed.  She was  horrified.  She said she felt nauseous. Her husband looked on with full attention and complete compassion.  He didn’t say a word for a very long time.  He was a supportive presence and that was huge.  It was what was needed. I have to admit that part of me had been shielding my eyes and covering my ears in anticipation of the inevitable  cr-aaaa-sssssshhhhh, sort of like what they say about the big California earthquake — it’s not a matter of IF but WHEN. And the other part of me was was cheering her on.  It seemed that she was headed for a peak experience of some kind, so I might as well help her go for it. Well, true to her adventurous spirit, she went for it. When she managed to bring everything to a grand crescendo, her world came crashing down around her in the space of one evening and the next morning.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look so awful. In our session, after venting for about 20 minutes, she finally came to a standstill.  She became more quiet and contemplative.  I could tell she was beginning to look around the debris field to survey the damage. I told her it’s a most beautiful place to HAVE ARRIVED because you can actually see and experience what you’ve created for yourself — and — the really, really good news — from HERE, you can even see how you did it. It’s not pretty, but it’s revealing as heck.

being in the dark2THE BIG REVEAL

So she looked around, down there in the bottom of her barrel of unhappiness and dissatisfaction and grief.  She investigated, she groped, she picked up what was there and bravely took a look at each thing, one by one, just long enough to see what was there in her hands. Even in the despairingly dim light of yuck-and-OMG, she saw things with more crystal clarity than ever, and began the process of understanding the implications of what she had created. Pretty good stuff, I’d say.

What did she see? 

Well, she saw results you get when you compare yourself to others,  judge yourself or take an unfair measuring stick to every. single. thing. you. do. It’s a hard way to go.  But I have to hand it to her — she did it REALLY WELL.  She was consistent. In the process, however, she managed to make herself miserable and (sometimes, well, often…) her hardy (thank goodness) husband.

AND THE MEASURING STICK SAYS…

She could see the effects of her measuring stick:measuring stick
  • Oh, it’s not that he is not including me, it’s not that he is shutting me out, I’m actually doing this to myself.  I see it!   Whoa.  And then I’m pointing the finger, blaming him.  Wow.
  • When I’m jealous, I’ve judge myself as “less than.”  And then I don’t participate.   I kick my own darn self out of the game.   Geesh.
  • And when I think everyone else is more successful, smarter, more accomplished than me, I set myself apart.  I dub myself as different, and then I complain about it.  I get it. Wow.
  • I act as if “it’s all about me” and I’m the center of the Universe.  That’s really boring and exclusive and nobody wants to play with me.   ‘Cause it’s all about me and not about them (that’s not fun for them.)  Then I say, “see they don’t like me.”  I separated myself from others yet again.  Wow, I’m pretty good at this.
  • And when he’s having fun with other people, and I’m not having fun (on my own or with other people,) and I complain about it… yeah, yeah, I see what I’m doing… I’m separating myself from others and accusing others of shutting me out or not liking me.  I’m doing it to myself. Yep, I get it.  Well, hall-le-friggin-lu-yah!  Wow!
By the way, we say “Wow” often in my consulting sessions!  It’s a word that can express amazement instead of self-criticism.  “Wow” has a celebratory, thumbs-up kind of tone to it.  We like that word around here. And she continued with gusto, with many examples of what she could see from this new view from the bottom of the barrel.  Oh say can you see!  By the dawn’s early light! We spoke about the perfection of her crash — what brought her to that point and how she had orchestrated it all so perfectly.  We talked about the results she had produced, the damage, and the utter unworkability of playing small and being self-critical. And then she started to laugh… and laugh… at the absurdity of it all! I love when that happens! tired womanSo she saw that if she could create THAT mess so perfectly, she could create something else with equal precision, but maybe WAY more fun. And her blessed husband reached over, took her hand and said, “I love you.  You teach me things I never knew I needed to know.” And he went happily off to work. And she took out a kleenex, laid it over her face and fell back in her chair and giggled.  She was all tuckered out.  And in this case, that was a very good thing. Ahhh… now that’s better!        

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Terri Crosby

Helping you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. Follow me on twitter at@TerriCrosby or read myblog.

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    Shiner

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    WOW is such a handy word! And what a WOW story that was, thanks.

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Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

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Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.

We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.

But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.

As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.

Terri Crosby. http://www.incareofrelationships.com/.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

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Terri Crosby

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