Couples In Counseling: Whatever You Do — Do This

  My MacKenzie Tulip  

The relationship healing process is many faceted.

It takes time.

A couple moves through spaces, stages, and ups and downs while growing.  Some stages feel great.  You feel hopeful and positive, and it’s clear you’re making progress. Other relationship growth stages are not so pretty.  Not so great looking.  Things are falling apart.  Undoing.  Stretching at the seams.  Unraveling.  There is pressure, separation, breaking, opening.  Just think about flowers.  They look so many different ways while they are growing.  And this is encouraging:  flowers spend a lot of time without a beautiful blossom.  Remember that a blossom  was once closed tight, like a heart or a mind.  Both are beautiful when they blossom. Another way to look at the relationship healing process?  It’s similar to healing from surgery or an illness. Not all days feel like progress. Some days, a wound itches. Some days it hurts.  Some days the dressing needs to be changed.  You clean it up, put on a new band-aid, and wait patiently. On other healing days, you want to throw in the towel. Watch TV until you feel better. Get out of town.  Ride a bucking bronco,  go dancing, or play a wild game of tennis just to let it all out.  Whatever. Let your relationship healing process move to and fro. That’s what it’s going to do anyway.

Sometimes, it’s two steps forward, one step back.

It’s a dance.

Don’t let all the movement confuse you, discourage you, or cause you to feel invalidated. As your relationship moves through changes, do your best not to come to conclusions.  Hold pretty much everything that’s going on in suspension.  Just observe.  Notice. It’s important to know this ahead of time so that you don’t get discouraged or feel like you’re off track. If you know this is bound to happen, you can remind yourself in the middle of it, “Oh, I remember I’m supposed to expect this fluctuation. This is normal. This is natural.” That way, you don’t get jerked around by the process.Azaleas Biltmore 1gWhite For instance, it’s easy to think, “Wow, we’re in love again! How nice is that!!!” Or “I really can’t stand what’s going on right now. I want out. This is never going to change.” Or “I’ve had it, that’s it. Can’t deal with this anymore. We’re done. It’s over.” Hang in there.  You’ll go through many changes, big and small.  It’s OK.  It’s natural.  It’s what will happen. And the good new is, you’ll end up right where you’re supposed to be. ******************************************************************************************************** Comments on this blog post are welcome.   I will approve your comment and respond.  The approval process is an interim step which helps to avoid spam. WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR ON YOUR WEBSITE? PLEASE DO — JUST INCLUDE THIS COMPLETE BLURB IN CARE OF RELATIONSHIPS  with Terri Crosby– Tools For Creating Positive Momentum.  http://incareofrelationships.com Terri Crosby is a relationship mentor.  She helps you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love.  Terri offers change-of-heart, change-of-mind perspectives to create GREAT relationships.   If you are ready to take your relationship to the next level, you can sign up to be on her mailing list here.  You can also subscribe to this blog and receive the weekly post.  

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Terri Crosby

Helping you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. Follow me on twitter at@TerriCrosby or read myblog.

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    Terri Crosby

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    This is where you can leave a comment! Feel free…

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    mjoalex

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    Nice post! I believe that the most difficult part of counseling is finding the motivation to start it. After all, to want to fix something in a relationship, not only does a person have to admit that there is something wrong with the relationship, but this partner in the relationship is essentially saying that he/she has flaws as well. It takes two to tango, and some relationships do not live to see another day because both partners are not willing to dig deep and acknowledge the wounds that have been created, or perhaps one is not able to listen to his/her significant other. The first, and rather healing step, is a couple admitting that both are dedicated to fixing what the issues are.

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      A

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      I like your comment and have a comment (or two) on your comment!!! 🙂 First, being human is to have flaws; we ALL have flaws. Being alive is an opportunity to sort through and work on “flaws.” Secondly, going to counseling does not necessarily indicate there are “flaws” to be “fixed.” Going to counseling can be like getting an oil change for your car; it’s a good thing and makes your car run better and last longer! 🙂 Sending hugs and joy to you.

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        Lois Lytingale Henrickson

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        And what kind of transformation would happen if we call them “differences” instead of “flaws”…..

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Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

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Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.

We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.

But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.

As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.

Terri Crosby. http://www.incareofrelationships.com/.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

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