Before Having a Spat With Your Partner, Think About These 7 Things

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This is a follow up article for How To Turn An Argument Into Being More In Love which was published earlier this week. 

To argue or not to argue?  That is the question. 

Before you jump into a quarrel, you might consider asking yourself these things.

1.  IS IT WORTH IT?  Most marital disputes are about nothing at all.  Nothing… at all… Nothing!  At all!  So keep that in mind when you head in the direction of a spat.  Is it worth the stress it will cause you to get upset  — about THIS?  Probably not. 

2.  WHAT’S AT THE CORE OF THIS CLASH?  What’s the essence of the issue at hand?  Usually, it’s about having what you want, or  freedom to be you.  That’s a nice thing to have, so see if you can figure out how to be you and get what you need.  Don’t go for compromise, go for being creative.  Your differences make you a stronger couple.

3.  LEARN TO OBSERVE YOURSELF.  You can say somebody’s wrong, you can even shake your finger at them and give them a lecture, without making them wrong, and it’s way more fun.  You do this by not taking yourself so seriously.  How do you get there?  Learn to observe your thinking.  Be the observer of the thinker of the thought.    The thought is just a thought.  It’s not you.  You don’t have to get all caught up in the thought.  You can observe the thought, as in “Oh, I notice I’m having this thought.”  If you can teach yourself to do that, oh, the freedom you’ll find!

4.  MAYBE YOU’RE NOT THAT FAR APART.  The essence of what you’re both saying may not be that far apart.  We’ve all watched our parents declare that they are on opposite sides of the fence — but they’re not!  Often, all it takes is one small act of generosity in listeningon the part of either person to turn things around.  Or being lighthearted or keeping a sense of humor for heavens sake!  

5.  DON’T TAKE THINGS SO PERSONALLY.  Learn to be unarguable-with!  Don’t take personally what the other person says.  If you take it personally, you’ve sunk your own ship.  Whatever they are saying is more about them.  Let them say it and leave it with them.  Don’t pick it up and make it about you.  This is huge.

6.  WHAT’S MORE IMPORTANT?  Decide what’s more fun, arguing or getting along.  Fighting or loving.  Saying awful things or respectful things.  Hating or laughing.  Being frustrated or calm.  Being judgmental or being who you truly are.  Make a choice and go with it.  You’ll learn a lot either way.

7.  HOW COULD WE HAVE MORE FUN TOGETHER?   Find the places where you enjoy each other to the fullest and do more of that.  What makes you laugh?  One of the things I love about Eric is that we meet in the field of humor.  We have similar, quirky ideas about what’s funny and it saves us.   

Of course this subject of laughter is in some ways a cautionary tale. Remember that sarcasm is not humor.  Being mean-spirited doesn’t feel good to the giver or the receiver.  Criticizing someone through laughter is a “no pass.”

And finally, if you need a little regular practice in lightening up, play with animals, babies or young children.  Or maybe even customer service folks.  Whatever works for you!  Get your silly back!

You can use laughter to open up your heart about something tense, rather than covering up emotion.  Let laughter be a doorway to letting go, exploring or uncovering.  Laughter can open you and your beautiful, passionate heart to more awareness and more love.

Happy “arguing!”  Have (much more) fun with your differences.  Your differences are not there to create problems.  They are there to help you.  They are there for your exploration, expansion, self-expression and joy.

 

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Terri Crosby

Helping you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. Follow me on twitter at@TerriCrosby or read myblog.

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Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

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Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.

We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.

But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.

As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.

Terri Crosby. http://www.incareofrelationships.com/.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

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