5 Humpty Dumpty Relationship Ideas That Make You Fall Down, Go Boom
1. Being a good individual means that I’ll have a successful relationship.You’d think so, right? At least it should help! If you’re a smart, capable and fun person, you think, “It can’t be all that tough to find someone else who is also smart, capable, and fun.” So you do that. You find someone. You adore each other. Things should naturally work out. But let’s say things don’t work out. You go back to the drawing board. You think to yourself once again, “I’m a good person, I’m paying attention and doing my best here, so why isn’t this working?” It’s a little like believing that because I know how to build my house, I would automatically know how to run a business building houses for other people. No. Making a business out of building houses requires a different set of skills than knowing how to build my own house. It’s the same with the transition from individual to couple. Or individual to partnership. Being in a relationship is a whole different ballgame than knowing and getting along with yourself. 2. I want to find my true love, so I am looking for “the one.” In a world with 7.1 billion people, this is an insane idea. Truly nuts. Not to mention stressful. Not to mention a perfect example of scarcity mentality. Nothing good comes from a scarcity mentality! Ever! Yet this idea exists — that there is one true love for me — and hey, this means I could screw up in so many ways! Can you spell y-i-k-e-s? What if I don’t recognize him/her — then I’ve missed the boat. My one true love could be five feet from me in the mall or the farmer’s market or under the Eiffel Tower, and what if we never say hello? Am I destined to be alone? And if I find “the one” and have a fight, and she or he leaves, then it’s over. And there goes my one chance for love. I blew it. Relax. It’s just not true. Finding “the one” is a mind-numbingly bad idea. There are endless possibilities for partners for you. If you miss one, another one comes along, because you keep attracting who matches you. You’ve got a so many matches waiting for you! Keep the line moving. You’ve got a pool of 7.1 billion, so get out there and have some fun. 3. If I’m with the right person, the relationship will be easy. Do you think this is true? Can I get an amen on that one? And…. let’s follow this logic out a bit further…. ….therefore if I’m having trouble in the relationship, I must have made a mistake. I must not be with my soul mate, the right person for me, my partner for life, the one. This will make you fall off the wall for sure, and you’ll try to get up, but fall right down again… ka-boom. Nothing about this idea is good or valid. I recommend throwing it in the trash as soon as possible. 4. If my partner would change a few things, then our relationship would work better. Maybe. But here’s the problem. The fix is temporary. You have to keep fixing your partner (and other people, circumstances, your family members, your children, your government, your church) in order to be happy. To make this work, your life becomes a whole lot of work. (work, work, work….) You’re busy. Pressure packed. You have causes. You believe that to get what you want, you must push against other people and ideas. You join groups and resist. You raise your fist to the sky. You post on Facebook what is wrong with politicians, Monsanto, or whatever ideas, actions or philosophies you disagree with. Frankly, it’s an endless task. It’s a big job. And you don’t have to do it. (Besides, at the end of your life, you’d say to yourself, “What in the world was I thinking?!?” I could have been cruising the Canary Islands with a glass of champagne in my hand.) And here’s thing thing… you’re not happy, ’cause you’re always fixing. There is always something wrong that needs your attention. In a relationship, you keep asking your partner to conform so that you can be happy. They might try. They might attempt to accommodate you. After all, as children, conformity and cooperation was (most likely) expected of us. We had early training. Intense training. Constant training. But after a while, your partner figures out that this is a never ending process and it’s hopeless. He figures out that he cannot bend like a pretzel in enough ways to make you happy, so he quits. He blows up. He walks away. He throws in the towel. He doesn’t talk with you anymore. He withdraws to his cave. He moves out of the house. Then nobody’s happy, everybody has fallen off the wall, and all the kings horses and all the kings men cannot put us back together again. If your happiness depends on circumstances outside you, which aren’t really under your control, your happiness is conditional. Your ability to be happy fluctuates, depending on what happens outside you, rather than inside you. And inside you is the only thing you really have control of. Use your positive energy to go toward what you want. For a day or a week, try just being in favor of. Let the “what you don’t want” drop away. It’s way more efficient. 5. Love is enough. I know this one. I believed it. Many people believe this. How many songs are written about this? Yep, quite a few. It’s false. To create a brilliantly joyful and happy life with someone else, you need love, yes. But you also need to know what that means. You need to know how that translates to everyday life with your children, your partner, your friends. I’ve worked with so many couples who totally adore each other and have trouble getting along. Some have been together for 20-30 years and are challenged by one another to the point of considering divorce. What can I say? Call me before you get there. The good news: If you have fallen off the wall, it doesn’t take all the kings horses and all the kings men to try to get you back up again. It is easier than you think.
*****Comments welcome. Feel free to comment on this blog site. I will approve your comment and you’ll see your comment posted a little later. The comment approval process is an interim process which helps to avoid spam. WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR ON YOUR WEBSITE? PLEASE DO — JUST INCLUDE THIS COMPLETE BLURB In Care of Relationships with Terri Crosby– Tools For Creating Positive Momentum. http://incareofrelationships.com Terri Crosby is a relationship mentor. She helps you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. She offers change-of-heart, change-of-mind perspectives to create great relationships. If you are ready to take your relationship to the next level, you can sign up to be on the mailing list HERE. To subscribe to her blog, go HERE.
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