5 Humpty Dumpty Relationship Ideas That Make You Fall Down, Go Boom
Humpty Dumpty was innocent enough, minding his own business, living life on that wall the very best way he knew how, and seemed just fine — until he fell.
And then all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Here are some ideas about relationships that might sound really good. They might even seem logical. Or romantic.
But the following five ideas actually cause the Humpty Dumpty effect — we fall off the wall. Go boom.
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1. Being a good individual means that I’ll have a successful relationship.
You’d think so, right?
At least it should help!
If you’re a smart, capable and fun person, you think, “It can’t be all that tough to find someone else who is also smart, capable, and fun.”
So you do that. You find someone. You adore each other. Things should naturally work out.
But let’s say things don’t work out.
You go back to the drawing board. You think to yourself once again, “I’m a good person, I’m paying attention and doing my best here, so why isn’t this working?”
It’s a little like believing that because I know how to build my house, I would automatically know how to run a business building houses for other people.
No.
Making a business out of building houses requires a different set of skills than knowing how to build my own house.
It’s the same with the transition from individual to couple. Or individual to partnership. Being in a relationship is a whole different ballgame than knowing and getting along with yourself.
2. I want to find my true love, so I am looking for “the one.”
In a world with 7.1 billion people, this is an insane idea. Truly nuts.
Not to mention stressful.
Not to mention a perfect example of scarcity mentality.
Nothing good comes from a scarcity mentality!
Ever!
Yet this idea exists — that there is one true love for me — and hey, this means I could screw up in so many ways!
Can you spell y-i-k-e-s?
What if I don’t recognize him/her — then I’ve missed the boat. My one true love could be five feet from me in the mall or the farmer’s market or under the Eiffel Tower, and what if we never say hello? Am I destined to be alone?
And if I find “the one” and have a fight, and she or he leaves, then it’s over.
And there goes my one chance for love. I blew it.
Relax. It’s just not true. Finding “the one” is a mind-numbingly bad idea.
There are endless possibilities for partners for you. If you miss one, another one comes along, because you keep attracting who matches you. You’ve got a so many matches waiting for you!
Keep the line moving.
You’ve got a pool of 7.1 billion, so get out there and have some fun.
3. If I’m with the right person, the relationship will be easy.
Whaaat’s that you say???
Do you think this is true? Can I get an amen on that one?
And…. let’s follow this logic out a bit further….
….therefore if I’m having trouble in the relationship, I must have made a mistake. I must not be with my soul mate, the right person for me, my partner for life, the one.
This will make you fall off the wall for sure, and you’ll try to get up, but fall right down again… ka-boom.
Nothing about this idea is good or valid.
I recommend throwing it in the trash as soon as possible.
4. If my partner would change a few things, then our relationship would work better.
Maybe.
But here’s the problem.
The fix is temporary.
You have to keep fixing your partner (and other people, circumstances, your family members, your children, your government, your church) in order to be happy.
To make this work, your life becomes a whole lot of work. (work, work, work….)
You’re busy. Pressure packed. You have causes. You believe that to get what you want, you must push against other people and ideas. You join groups and resist. You raise your fist to the sky. You post on Facebook what is wrong with politicians, Monsanto, or whatever ideas, actions or philosophies you disagree with. Frankly, it’s an endless task.
It’s a big job.
And you don’t have to do it.
(Besides, at the end of your life, you’d say to yourself, “What in the world was I thinking?!?” I could have been cruising the Canary Islands with a glass of champagne in my hand.)
And here’s thing thing… you’re not happy, ’cause you’re always fixing. There is always something wrong that needs your attention.
In a relationship, you keep asking your partner to conform so that you can be happy. They might try. They might attempt to accommodate you.
After all, as children, conformity and cooperation was (most likely) expected of us. We had early training. Intense training. Constant training.
But after a while, your partner figures out that this is a never ending process and it’s hopeless. He figures out that he cannot bend like a pretzel in enough ways to make you happy, so he quits. He blows up. He walks away. He throws in the towel. He doesn’t talk with you anymore. He withdraws to his cave. He moves out of the house.
Then nobody’s happy, everybody has fallen off the wall, and all the kings horses and all the kings men cannot put us back together again.
If your happiness depends on circumstances outside you, which aren’t really under your control, your happiness is conditional. Your ability to be happy fluctuates, depending on what happens outside you, rather than inside you.
And inside you is the only thing you really have control of.
Use your positive energy to go toward what you want. For a day or a week, try just being in favor of. Let the “what you don’t want” drop away. It’s way more efficient.
5. Love is enough.
I know this one. I believed it. Many people believe this.
How many songs are written about this? Yep, quite a few.
It’s false.
To create a brilliantly joyful and happy life with someone else, you need love, yes.
But you also need to know what that means.
You need to know how that translates to everyday life with your children, your partner, your friends. I’ve worked with so many couples who totally adore each other and have trouble getting along. Some have been together for 20-30 years and are challenged by one another to the point of considering divorce.
What can I say? Call me before you get there.
The good news: If you have fallen off the wall, it doesn’t take all the kings horses and all the kings men to try to get you back up again. It is easier than you think.
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In Care of Relationships with Terri Crosby– Tools For Creating Positive Momentum. http://incareofrelationships.com
Terri Crosby is a relationship mentor. She helps you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. She offers change-of-heart, change-of-mind perspectives to create great relationships. If you are ready to take your relationship to the next level, you can sign up to be on the mailing list HERE. To subscribe to her blog, go HERE.
Christie Lenee can play a guitar. She’s the 2017 International Finger Style Guitar Champion of the Year. In September of last year in London, she also won Acoustic Guitarist of the Year.
But lucky for us, she’s not just a champion guitar player. Christie Lenee is also quite the composer.
A friend of hers, Michael Pukac, requested that she write a song, one he described as “the story of love.” She scribbled notes and went to work.
Through Christie’s ability to imagine, his desire became music. Now she plays this song for the world with her love fingers. Lucky you, lucky me, lucky us.
Take very good care of yourself this week. Why not sing a little…
You’re broken down and tired Of living life on a merry go round And you can’t find the fighter But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out And move mountains We gonna walk it out And move mountains
And I’ll rise up I’ll rise like the day I’ll rise up I’ll rise unafraid I’ll rise up And I’ll do it a thousand times again And I’ll rise up High like the waves I’ll rise up In spite of the ache I’ll rise up And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you For you For you For you
When the silence isn’t quiet And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe And I know you feel like dying But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet And move mountains Bring it to its feet And move mountains
And I’ll rise up I’ll rise like the day I’ll rise up I’ll rise unafraid I’ll rise up And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you For you For you For you
All we need, all we need is hope And for that we have each other And for that we have each other And we will rise We will rise We’ll rise, oh, oh We’ll rise
I’ll rise up Rise like the day I’ll rise up In spite of the ache I will rise a thousand times again And we’ll rise up High like the waves We’ll rise up In spite of the ache We’ll rise up And we’ll do it a thousand times again
During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
Terri Crosby
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Toni
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I have found Terri to be a wise and experienced relationship coach. It shows in this article. love the graphics!
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