10 Tips When You’re Up Against It

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It doesn’t matter so much what happens to us, or doesn’t happen.

What matters is how we think about what happens.

This is my go-to list of mind-changers.

How we think about what happens is where all the power is.

1.  DON’T SETTLE. For starters, you were not created on this Earth to live a teeny-tiny, dumbed-down version of who you are.  You did not plan to be less than.  You were not born to be a puny version of yourself.

Anything you can imagine,  you can do.

Have faith.  Hang in there.

Your dreams are real and do-able.

2. MAKE PEACE WITH WHERE YOU ARE.  Don’t settle, and yet make peace with where I am? It’s a tightrope idea, I know.  But making peace is really the balance stick to carry as you walk.  If you’re peaceful about where you are, you’ll go forward with more balance and confidence, even when the wind is strong. You are where you are, and that’s a good thing.  What you’ve lived so far puts you in a potential-filled position to realize your next steps. This is excellent. If you forget, call a friend to remind you.  We all need support.  My friend Shiner Antiorio has been known to call me up in times of trouble and giggle at me (I’ve given her the permanent green light about this.)   Either that, or she just hands me a flower!  And when she does, I remember that where I am is just fine. Friends can help with the bright side. 3. YOU ARE ALWAYS EVOLVING. Every aspect of your beautiful self is constantly evolving and changing, even if you feel like you’re standing still. You’re not standing still.  Ever. Momentum of thought is carrying you in a direction.  The only question is, is this a direction you like?

You’re always going somewhere.  Do you like where you’re going?

Your thoughts are creating your future.  Will it be a future you enjoy?

If not, learn to divert that river of anguish, judgment or upset.  Send it off on a tributary.  Let it flow away from you.  Recalculate.  Distract yourself.  Take your attention off the problem. Hint: This can feel counter-intuitive. This is simple, but not necessarily easy.  It takes practice, and it’s worth it. 4.  WAKE UP IN THE MOMENT.  When you get a “same-old result” (but would rather have something new) try this.

Wake up in the middle of what you do that produces the result you always get.

Just wake up.  Pay attention.   It takes conscious practice at first, and gets easier as you go. Don’t worry about changing anything yet, just wake up and notice.  What are you doing?  Saying?  Feeling?  Thinking? Hmmm… be curious.  Be someone who is studying you. Make notes. 5.  TEACH ME HOW TO HAVE YOUR PROBLEM.  When a client can’t figure out how she got where she is, or why she stays there, I sometimes ask her to teach me how to have her problem. First she laughs, like “are you kidding?”FrontYardEarlySpring1 (Nope, I’m not kidding.) Then she looks at me with that “I’ve been found out” kind of look. Slowly at first, she begins to tell me how to have her problem.  She gets curious.  She looks with new eyes.  She discovers. The Big Bonus:  She notices everything is in her capable hands. After that, there’s no going back. Busted!!! 6. GET HELP.

If you could do it yourself, you would have already.

If you’re disorganized, yet prefer a serene, peaceful look in your home, there are plenty of people who know how to help you.  They love the subject you’re confused about, and they are crystal clear.  They can help. If you don’t know why your plants won’t grow in your garden, you can guess for years and years about what to do, or give up, complain, or worry. On the other hand, you can get help.  You can send a soil sample to your state Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services.  They will evaluate your soil and send you a report.   You take it to your garden center, and Voila!  They will hand you soil amendments that will make your plants do the happy dance. 7.  YOU WERE BORN WORTHY.  There is nothing you need to do to prove yourself.  You have merit, good character, and value.

You are good.  You are worthy.  You were born that way.

Other people may have tried to talk you out of your goodness and natural brilliance along the way.  In fact, I’m pretty sure they did.  Even though they loved you, and even though they were doing their best, it is likely the adults around you insisted that you be different than you are, follow their lead, and conform to their wishes.  It made their life easier.

They needed you to be less outrageous.  Quieter.   Not so CreamOrchidexpressive.  Not so bold.  Not so unusual.  Not so confident.

They needed you to be interested in a subject you could care less about.  They wanted you to pay attention to what they were required to teach you,  and “get with the program.”

They needed you to sit at a desk and color instead of go outside and play baseball or run or whoop and holler and play a wild game of soccer or tag.

All of us went through that and for most of us, it causes an inner question about worthiness. Time has passed.  We’re all grown up.  Now it’s time to remember we were born to be happy and have things work out.

Joy is a good and mighty thing.

You deserve what you want.  Go get it.

8.  IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. One of the first things I do with clients is something I call “Simple Up.”  When people start sessions on the phone or on Skype, they often plunk down a big mysterious box labeled:  Everything In My Life That’s Complicated. No wonder they are overwhelmed. And how smart to bring the box! So we simplify — often by taking other people’s opinions and advice out of the equation.   Then at least we have a starting place that includes mostly you!  It’s not muddied up with what everyone else in your life would do if they were in your shoes.

Others are not in your shoes.  It’s not their life.  It’s your life.

Others do not know what you should do.  They have no clue.  They are not you.

Pay more attention to what you want to do.  And do it.  Trust that others are big enough to handle it. 9.  DO THE WORK. Hey, you can’t learn a song if you don’t practice!    Spend time with the song.  Sing it here, there and everywhere.  Make the song part of your day — your drive time, shower time, gardening time.  Sing it!  Do the work. To get better at golf, take lessons, and do what the instructor says.  Give it a whirl.  See how it helps.  Do the work.

Don’t pretend you’re stuck.  You’re not.  Life is nothin’ but potential.

Don’t pretend to work on something.  Actually do it.  Try new approaches.  Be willing to investigate.  Turn over new rocks.  See what’s under there.

Don’t pretend to be helpless and hopeless — it’s no fun along the way and besides, it never turns out well in the end.  On your deathbed, you’ll feel compelled to write a long and horribly weepy Huffington Post article about all your regrets, and 12,000 readers will be sitting in a puddle of powerlessness, bawling their heads off right along with sad-sack-sorry you.  C’mon, you can do better.

You can do this.  Pull up those big girl panties and go for it.

:–)  Do the work.  :–)

10.  GIVE YOURSELF THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.  This is huge.  When you’re doing your best, and things have taken a not-so-hot turn, give yourself room to move. Know there will be a gift in what happened.

Assume that events are always for your benefit,

even if you can’t see immediate evidence. 

Back off.  Relax.  Go easy.  Take the pressure off.

  • Take your foot off the gas.red rhotoden partly open
  • Find a softer thought.
  • Do something else.
  • Take a nap.
  • Work in the garden.
  • Sing a little song.
  • Get up from your chair.
  • Walk away for a while.
  • Go outside and look at something beautiful.
  • Read a poem or passage you love.
  • Play a rambunctious game of racquetball.
  • Take a drive in a place you love.
  • Pet your furry friend.
Give yourself a break.  You may not be able to see the whole picture right now.  What’s happening may look awful, but if you take your foot off the gas, you’ll discover a gift in disguise later down the road. Trust.  Wait.  Make the best of it for now.

Give yourself time to discover that all is well,

things are working out for you, and life is good.

 

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Terri Crosby

Helping you create life-affirming, ever-evolving, happier relationships with those you love. Follow me on twitter at@TerriCrosby or read myblog.

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    backtowhatever

    |

    I loved the “teach me how to have your problem”! It’s such a fantastic way to solve it!

    Reply

    • Avatar

      Terri Crosby

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      Thank You Holly! It’s really nice of you to say that!

      Reply

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Rise Up by Andra Day

What a great set of words for these oncoming days.

Rise Up

 
You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn’t quiet
And it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we’ll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise
We’ll rise, oh, oh
We’ll rise
I’ll rise up
Rise like the day
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we’ll rise up
High like the waves
We’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
We’ll rise up
And we’ll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo
Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

Rippling Abs, Anyone?

During this strange time in history, I noticed y’all were tackling all sorts of interesting projects. I decided I needed one, too—something positive to remember the pandemic of 2020 by.
 
I decided to pay attention to something I had abandoned…
 
Nope, I’m not cleaning my garage. I am not organizing one single thing. I’m not planting a garden or cleaning up my yard.
 
Instead, I decided to take care of myself better. This, folks, has made all the difference for me.
 
With relatively little time and effort on my part, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.
 
On March 30, I got on the exercise bike and the yoga mat for the first time in a long time, and did 30 minutes each. I liked it so much that I decided to do it every day. But I fell short of that, and changed my commitment to every other day, which felt more manageable, reasonable, and doable.
 
I also get off the bike after every song, take a couple of sips of water, shake out my legs and arms for a few seconds, and get back on. This makes the bike project a reasonable proposition, too.
 
Daily walks of any length—by myself, or with my little guy, Jackson—are a fresh air bonus.
 
My recumbent exercise bike has pulleys to work my upper body while I pedal, which gets my heart rate up fast, and also helps my whole-body strength. It feels good to get up from writing, or doing a consulting session with a client, to do something physically challenging while listening to good music.
 
After only a month, I feel a sheet of muscles on the front of me I haven’t felt for a very, very long time. Goodness gracious. Who knew they were there. I’ll be posting rippling ab photos soon, I’m sure.
 
I have no idea what the scales have to say about my bike/yoga project—I don’t care. Paying attention to scales tends to send me sideways, and therefore, I’m ignoring them completely.
 
But—I LOVE the way I feel! Hang in there, everyone.
 

Terri’s book of photography combined with poetry is here! 100 Words: Small Servings of Whimsy and Wisdom to Calm the Mind and Nourish the Heart.

Read more

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Check Out This Troublemaker in Relationships

Sometimes we ask intimate partners to do for us what is actually ours to do.

We ask our partner to give us the reassurance, love or appreciation we feel is missing in ourselves, with the hope that they will give us what we’re asking for—and then we’ll feel better. They’ll take care of our problem.

But when they do give us what we’re asking for, it can never be enough, because we have insufficient context for what they’ve given. We haven’t build the inner foundation to receive it, hear it, welcome it, believe it. They try to help, but their love for us falls into our void, our black hole, our love bucket with no bottom.

As always, there’s hope. Check out the video below.

Terri Crosby. http://www.incareofrelationships.com/.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

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Terri Crosby

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